Category: changing behavior

Money, Debt and Stress

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Remember several years ago when you couldn’t go anywhere without hearing tips about how to manage on a budget and deal with unemployment?  During the Great Recession, the media was full of articles about how to manage money stress, how to make a dollar stretch and how to plan the best stay-cation (was that even a word before the Great Recession?).

While I certainly don’t miss that period of time,  I do think all those tips and tricks can still be helpful.  I recently ran across this oldie-but-goody article I contributed to way back in 2009.  Here was one of my tips for managing lack-of-money stress:

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There are quite a few other tips in the (pretty long) article. Check out the whole thing here:

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Are there any money management tips and tricks you learned during the Great Recession that you’re still using?

How To Make Changes That Last

Ugh…changing our behavior is so hard.  Honestly I think it’s made even harder by all the voices telling us what to change and how to change.

Eat kale!

Turn off electronics!

Exercise!

Save your money!

Tidy your house!

Drive less!

All great tips, but how can we actually make changes to our lifestyles that last more than a couple of days?

I recently wrote an article over at Produce for Kids that discusses this very thing! My favorite tip?

Make personally-meaningful goals. We can’t all care about everything. It’s not realistic to expect ourselves to be: never-cheater eaters, marathon runners, ultra-savers, perfect parents, top-notch employees, garden club honorees, award-winning volunteers, Pinterest stars…you get the picture. Instead of trying to be everything everyone else tells you that you should be, focus on being what you want to be. Not only will your goals be more meaningful, you will be more likely to meet them.

Here’s the full article with all the life-changing tips included:

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How To Become A Morning Person

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I’m not a real Coloradoan.  I don’t like to ski (too expensive and cold) and I don’t like to camp (too uncomfortable).  So imagine my surprise when I got a call from Backpacker Magazine a few months ago to offer some tips for an article they were working on.  Here’s how the interview started out:

Writer: “What tips do you have for folks who struggle to get going in the morning while camping?”

Me: “Ummmm…stay home?”

Yes, that was my expert tip: Don’t go camping.

Luckily, I was able to pull myself together and offer some (I think) useful advice on how to make mornings a little easier after waking up on a mountain top.  And actually, I think these tips can be used in the comfort of your own (warm, clean, not scary) home as well.  Check it out:

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Here’s my favorite tip:

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I don’t know what a “bear bag” is, but other than that I think the tip is useful no matter where you are.  Happy trails, campers!

Hold the Judgment: An Easy Way To Improve Mental Health

Judging others: So easy, so entertaining, so widespread.  But sadly, also completely contradictory to good mental health.

The other day I did my own little experiment and noticed how many times in an hour I made a judgmental comment (in my head – I was on the treadmill) about either myself or others.  I lost count at 25. Yikes.  Now, I didn’t speak these judgments out loud, but they were there just the same.  Things like:

“Why did she choose that shirt, ick”

and

“She totally looks better than me!”

and

“Who chose this awful music on the loud speaker?”

Oh boy.

All those judgments flying every which way got me thinking: How does a judgmental attitude affect mental health?  Here are some thoughts:

Passing judgment (on ourselves and others) keeps us from being fully present in our lives.  Life is full of things to notice and be a part of.  If we spend the bulk of our time formulating judgments, what might we be missing? A quiet, peaceful hour on the treadmill? The joy of watching our kids play sports or act on stage? A entertaining conversation with a friend?

No one ever wins. Judging ourselves, judging others; comparing ourselves to others. All these things lead to the same end: a downward spiral to misery and disappointment.  When it comes to judgment – no one ever ends up feeling good.

Judging others can make us paranoid that others are judging us, too.  Judging others has the nasty side effect of making us feel that we, ourselves are being judged – even when we’re not.  As in: “What are the neighbors going to think when they see me driving this old, dented car?”  See? Not so good.

We all want to spend time with non-judgmental people.  Think about some of your favorite people to spend time with.  I’d be willing to bet that most of them steer clear of judging, or gossiping about others.  Sure, it’s fun for a minute, but this behind-the-back judgmental attitude has a pretty nasty aftertaste.  Supportive, interesting (and interested), funny friends are the ones that give us longer-lasting feelings of warmth and closeness.

 

Making Changes During Lent

Ready to make some behavioral changes in your life? Lent might be a good time to give it a try!

Ready to make some behavioral changes in your life? Lent might be a good time to give it a try!

Lent started last week, so I’m a little behind the ball, but I wanted to write a quick post about it anyway.  For those who don’t know, Lent is a period in the Christian calendar between Ash Wednesday and Easter (40 days excluding Sundays, to be exact).   I’m not an expert in theology or religion, so I’m not going to talk about the religious significance of Lent.  But as a mental health expert, I am going to focus on the practice of “giving something up” for Lent.

Whether you are religious or not, Lent is the perfect time to take a look at our lives and make some adjustments.

Here’s the deal: Most of us think about how we want to live healthier, more frugally, more whatever around the 1st of the year.  We turn these vague notions about healthier living into New Year’s resolutions – even though we know they probably won’t stick.  Do you even remember yours?  New Year’s resolutions don’t typically work because:

  • They are often too vague and general – i.e., “eat healthier” or “save more”
  • There is no specific time frame – the entirety of 2016 is just too broad
  • They are made on the heels of what is often the most indulgent time of the year – “You mean I can’t eat dessert after breakfast, lunch and dinner?” or “I really have to go back to work?” – The drastic change is just too much

But Lent gives us the perfect situation in which to make changes to our lives:

  • The things we “give up” are typically really specific – i.e., soda pop, Facebook or frozen yogurt (yes, these are all things I have given up over the years)
  • The 40+ day time frame is perfect for successful behavior change: It’s not so long that it drags out, but it is long enough to form new habits and routines
  • It comes at a great time of year when there isn’t much else going on – not too many distractions

What are you giving up this year?

How To Save Money Without Making Yourself Miserable

I was recently interviewed for this article on GoBankingRates.com about why saving money is so painful.  I love talking about the intersection of finance and psychology, because they are two things in life that everyone has to deal with on a daily basis.

My favorite tip? Seek the advice of financial professionals – a lot.  And then do it again.  Because it’s hard to remember their advice, and what everything means.  As in:

Wait a minute, what’s a Roth IRA again?

And while I am a true believer of the “Ignorance is Bliss” philosophy of life, money and finance are not areas in which that approach works.  Check out the full article, along with lots of great tips here:

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How To Stop Comparing Yourself To Your Neighbors

Brooke Becker: Shutterstock

Brooke Becker: Shutterstock

Comparing ourselves to others may be one of the most detrimental things we can do for our self esteem. When compared to the Facebook posts of our “friends,” our kids are never as well-mannered or athletic, our spouses never as romantic or wealthy, and our jobs never as glamorous or high-powered. Shutting off all our social media outlets might be one strategy for stopping the constant comparison to others. The problem with that is, comparisons are easy to make no matter where we are. So here’s another idea: Have a little self-compassion.

Treat yourself as you would treat a close friend or family member.

For example:

Set realistic expectations for yourself. You would never expect a friend to raise 2 perfect children, work 50 hours a week, maintain a HGTV-worthy home at all times and still fit into her prom dress. So why do you expect that of yourself? Keep your expectations real and do-able in this lifetime.

Accept your idiosyncrasies. We all have them: weird, quirky things that make us who we are. For example, I have a friend who can’t tell a joke to save her life; she always gets the punchline wrong. It’s one of the things I love about her. Embrace the parts of you that make you, you – even if they are, technically, imperfections.

Understand that you will make mistakes. Why are we so much more accepting of other people’s missteps, failures and screw-ups than we are our own? I’m not sure. But I do know that most of us could stand to be as gracious to ourselves as we are to others.

You never know what’s behind the front door.  When all else fails, and you still find yourself comparing your life to the other, fancier people in your life, know this: Everyone has struggles of some kind.  What looks perfect rarely is, and everyone (yes, even the most confident, beautiful and rich among us) have our foibles and weak spots.

Portions of this post originally appeared as part of a series on Personal Development Genesis

How To Talk To Your Spouse About Something Other Than Kids Or Money

KellyandGarienWebDetails_068Marriage is a business.  Included in this business are the:

  • Finance Department (paychecks, bills, etc)
  • Logistics Department (getting people where they need to be, when they need to be there)
  • Human Resources Department (managing relationships inside and outside the “business”)
  • Facilities Management (everything involved with keeping the home working, and the people within it fed)
  • Research and Development Group (planning for the future, rearing children and pets)

I’m sure I’m missing a few key departments, but you get the idea.  It’s so easy to fall into the trap of treating your marriage or partnership as only a business – and not a romantic, intimate relationship.  In fact, keeping a marriage romantic and intimate can feel like taking on another part-time job.  Luckily, it’s a part-time job with lots of rewards.

One of the first and easiest (though not always easy) ways to keep your marriage out of the business-zone is by talking about things that have NOTHING to do with the business of marriage.  That means no talk about:

  • money
  • kids
  • pets
  • in-laws or extended family
  • carpools
  • work

Well, what else is there to talk about, you say?  Luckily there are lots of things.  Probably all the things you USED to talk about before you entered into business marital bliss together.  And believe it or not, those topics still exist.  They might include things like:

  • books
  • politics
  • religion
  • movies
  • sports
  • dreams/fears/hopes

You get the idea.  There’s a whole world of things to talk about.  So next time you’re having a date night or find yourself alone together give some non-business conversation a try!

 

 

 

How To Forgive Yourself

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As a parent I have about a million opportunities to screw up everyday.  When I do, it can be important to do a little self-forgiveness so that I can move on to the next challenge without the weight of guilt around my shoulders.  We all make mistakes (in parenting and otherwise), so naturally are all in need of forgiveness at one time or another.  Sometimes we seek forgiveness from others, but it’s from ourselves that forgiveness is also desired.

Some ideas about how to forgive yourself and move on:

Be Intentional. When thinking about forgiving yourself a transgression, it can be useful to be organized about it. What is it that you have done? Why would you like to forgive yourself? What will that forgiveness mean in the long term? Writing these things down might also be useful as a way to keep your thoughts clear and organized.

Make a moment out of it. Give yourself the time and space to really think through what forgiveness means, and then give it to yourself. Instead of trying to accomplish this difficult task while driving kids to soccer practice or making dinner, try carving out some time just for yourself to sit and process it all. Preferably time when you won’t be interrupted – but instead have the luxury of spending some real, quality time with yourself.

Let yourself move on. Forgiving ourselves doesn’t mean we have forgotten what we have done, but it does mean letting go of the anger, guilt and shame associated with event. It will likely take some practice, but true forgiveness means allowing yourself to move on from the past with improved knowledge and behavior.

Want to read more about forgiveness? Check out my posts:

What Is Forgiveness?

How to Forgive Someone

Parts of this post originally appeared on Personal Development Genesis.

How To Forgive Someone

The other day I posted about forgiveness.  Actually, I wrote a lot about what forgiveness is NOT.  Take a look.  Now that we know what forgiveness is (because there are a lot of misconceptions out there), how do we do it?

  1. Forgiveness can’t be forced.  We forgive people in our lives because we want to, and have gotten to a place where we are emotionally able to.  Forgiveness doesn’t happen because a) Someone apologized to us b) We feel like we should c) Someone bullies us into it.  Insincere or coerced forgiveness just isn’t the real deal.
  2. Forgiveness is about moving on.  When we decide to forgive someone, it means that we have decided that we want to move on from the experience, and actively release its hold on our emotions and behaviors.
  3. Forgiveness does not equal forgetting.  Most of us have pretty good memories, meaning that there is no way we will forget the harm that has been done.  Luckily, that’s not what forgiving is.  Instead, forgiving is saying something like: “I know exactly what happened to me and what it meant, but I am going to choose to look forward and move on with my life.  I realize what has happened in the past, but I am going to build my future in a different way; and not let that past hurt continue to cast a shadow over me.”
  4.  Forgiveness doesn’t always mean relationship.  Just because you have forgiven someone, doesn’t mean you have to stay in a relationship with them.  Forgiveness simply means releasing yourself from the power of the past event.  It has nothing to do with continuing on in a relationship.  When you choose to forgive AND stay in relationship with the transgressor, it does mean you will be making yourself vulnerable to future hurts.  Vulnerability is a big part of relationships no matter how you cut it.  But that’s a topic for another time.

Forgiveness is something that affects all of us as one time or another.  In fact, just about everyone experiences both sides of the coin: being the forgiver and the forgivee.  It’s an important skill in overall mental health.