Category: Current Events

Psychology, Self Esteem, and Photoshop

Photo via People Magazine

Do you recognize this celebrity?  I didn’t, even though she’s one of my favorites.  Believe it or not, it’s Taylor Swift.  She’s not retouched in this photo, and is sans makeup as well.  Still cute as a button, but certainly not the image we’re used to seeing.

Every few months a new story pops up about the absurdly doctored photographs of celebs and models that show up in magazines and on-line.  For some reason this article on Shine really caught my attention.  The images of Princess Kate and Britney Spears are particularly ridiculous.

It’s important we, as adults, see these photos.  But it’s perhaps even more important that we show them to the young girls in our lives.  Super thin arms, legs, and torsos balancing buoyant breasts and bums just isn’t natural – or biologically possible – for anyone but Barbie.  And even though we might “know” this intellectually, it is helpful to have a reminder every once in a while that even the most glamorous, sexy women have cellulite and blemished skin.

Appreciating what we have, downplaying what we don’t, and working towards achievable goals are all important aspects of mental health.  By understanding that many media photos are simply fantastical images born on the screen of a Photoshop-wielding graphic design intern, we can all feel a little more confident in our own skin.

 

The Mommy Wars – Get Over It!

Did you hear about Hilary Rosen, the woman who seemed to discount Ann Romney because she has never “worked a day in her life?”  The internet sort of blew up after this comment.  With good reason.  Why anyone would say something like this about a person who raised 5 boys and is married to a politician (isn’t that a job itself?) is beyond me.  Perhaps it was a goof, maybe she got a little nervous during her live TV interview and it just slipped out.  Maybe not.  Maybe Ms. Rosen, like so many other women before her got caught up in the “Mommy Wars” which pit woman against woman in the argument about whether it is better/harder/more worthwhile to work inside or outside of the home.

Seriously, can’t this issue be over already?  It’s been going on for decades, and no one ever wins.  I have two thoughts about this on-going and fruitless debate:

1. Most women are too busy doing whatever it is they do (raise children, take care of parents, sell cars, write books, make dinner) to engage in this debate or really care about how other women choose to spend their time.

2.  The vast majority of women (and men) are doing the best they can with what they have.  The Mommy Wars debate has always struck me as elitist and irrelevant to a huge percentage of families.  What about the women who have absolutely no choice but to work?  What about the women who would love to work but don’t have access to jobs, childcare, or the skills needed to find one?

Get over it ladies, gentleman, and the media especially.  We all have too much work to do.

News-Induced Depression

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How do you get your news?  Do you watch the nightly broadcast?  Read it on Google, Yahoo!, or AOL?  Glance at it on Twitter or Facebook?  Read the (gasp!) old-fashioned print version of your city’s paper?

I’m not a huge news person.  Meaning, I don’t watch cable news, I don’t read a newspaper regularly, and I don’t troll the internet for the latest breaking news items from around the world.  Instead, I’m probably like a lot of people.  I pick the news up here, there, and all around in bits and pieces.  It probably doesn’t make me the most informed  person, but it works.

But even in my semi-ignorant state, I still get News-Induced Depression from time to time.  This isn’t a diagnosis recognized in the DSM-IV or by any scientific body of researchers, but I think it is real nonetheless.  Here are some of the symptoms:

  • Feeling sad, down, and/or tearful after hearing about a news event
  • Continuing to think about news event over the course of several days or weeks, causing a deflation of mood
  • Fear for safety of family and/or self (over and above the ordinary level of concern) for several days or weeks after hearing about news event
  • Desire to either learn as much as possible about the news event or ignore all information about the event
  • Experience an increased level of overall anxiety, nervousness, and/or worry in the days and weeks following learning about the news event

Have you ever experienced News-Induced Depression?  If so, what are the stories that typically cause it?  Are you affected more by personal tragedies and traumas (i.e., rapes, murders, etc) or by political scandals, corruptions, and disappointments?  How do you deal with it?

 

Laptop Shooting Dad: No Different Than the Rest of Us?

Have you heard about the dad who recently shot up his teenage daughter’s laptop because of some unflattering things she wrote about her parents on Facebook?  Not only did he fire shots into the computer, he also filmed himself doing it and posted the video online.  As someone who does not see a lot of gunfire in everyday life, I have to admit the footage is a little alarming.  The dad’s rage, anger, and disappointment are clearly visible in his rant before the shooting, but after watching this interview with the dad and his family I’m wondering if he is much different than any other overwhelmed parent?  It’s easy to criticize other people’s parenting styles from afar, but is all the criticism of this dad really justified?  Sure firing a gun at anything can be scary, and his tactic of “you’re criticizing me in public, so now I’m doing the same to you” is a little childish, but really – what parent hasn’t reacted in a childish way when pushed?

Some things to keep in mind when judging the laptop (or any other) dad:

Being a parent is super hard, and we all get pushed further than we’d like sometimes.  This is not to say that all parents are abusive, or do harmful things to their kids (and I’m certainly not ok’ing abusive parenting techniques).  But I know there isn’t a parent around who hasn’t said something or done something they regret in a moment of frustration or anger.  Heck, just last week I told my daughter I didn’t care if she ever completed any of her homework again.  Oops!

Parenting in the age of technology is something we’re all learning on the fly.  None of us parents now can refer back to how our own parents dealt with: at what age to buy kids cellphones, how much texting is too much, how to navigate privacy and safety issues on Facebook, etc.  Yea, there are resources out there, but in essence, we’re all making it up as we go, so it’s not a surprise that we make some (or a lot) of missteps along the way.

Being negative and criticizing others doesn’t do much for our mental health.  I have recently written a couple of posts (here and here) about the damaging effects of negativity in the workplace.  Negativity towards other parents and families is no different.  Resist the urge to badmouth others and use that energy to work on your on family’s challenges.

 

Talking to Your Kids About the School Shooting

I got so teary this morning watching the coverage of the school shooting in Ohio.  Sad for the victims, sad for the survivors, sad for the families, and sad for the gunman and his family.  It is tough to make sense of such violence, and tough too not to fear for the safety of the children in our own lives.  I wonder what it would be like to be a kid watching the news about such events as the shooting in Ohio?  While I felt the shock and grief over the shootings at Columbine High School (not far from where I was in graduate school at the time), I wasn’t a child.  Would my feelings have been different if I had been 8 or 12 or 16, knowing that the place I spent 7 hours each day could come under a similar attack?  Do kids these days (post-Columbine, post-911) feel safe at school like I did decades ago, or is that sort of security a thing of the past?

The American Psychological Association (APA) has posted some great tips on talking to your kids about these sorts of topics.  It can feel intimidating to talk about such things, but it is well worth the effort.  Kids almost always have thoughts about the events going on around them, and frequently have more insight, ideas, and solutions than we might guess.

Here are a few tips offered by APA:

  • Find times when they are most likely to talk: such as when riding in the car, before dinner, or at bedtime.
  • Start the conversation; let them know you are interested in them and how they are coping with the information they are getting.
  • Listen to their thoughts and point of view; don’t interrupt–allow them to express their ideas and understanding before you respond.
  • Express your own opinions and ideas without putting down theirs; acknowledge that it is okay to disagree.
  • Remind them you are there for them to provide safety, comfort and support. Give them a hug.

For the full tip sheet and more ideas about talking to kids in the aftermath of a school shooting, click here.

Willpower: Is It All It’s Cracked Up to Be?

The American Psychological Association (APA) released a report this week on the science of willpower.  It’s some interesting stuff.  Especially in light of the fact that most of us would say we need more willpower.  Whether it comes to eating right, exercising more, keeping a tighter reign on our finances, cleaning our homes more often, or watching less TV – most of us have at least one area in our lives where more self-control would be welcomed.

Here’s a taste of the press release issued by APA:

In 2011, 27 percent of Stress in America survey respondents reported that lack of willpower was the most significant barrier to change. Yet although many people blame faulty willpower for their imperfect choices, it’s clear they haven’t given up hope. A majority of respondents believe that willpower is something that can be learned. Those respondents are on to something. Recent research suggests some ways in which willpower can in fact be strengthened with practice. On the other hand, many survey participants reported that having more time for themselves would help them overcome their lack of willpower. Yet willpower doesn’t automatically grow when you have extra time on your hands. So how can individuals resist in the face of temptation? In recent years, scientists have made some compelling discoveries about the ways that willpower works. This report will explore our current understanding of self-control.

One of the most helpful things in the report are the tips offered offered for strengthening self control.  In particular, I like the “implementation intention” idea which basically means being prepared for situations that might be tough for you.  If you are pinching pennies, for example: “If I go to the mall and see a sweater I love, then I will take a night to think about it and make sure I really want/need the sweater before I spend my hard earned money on it.”  I love practicing our reactions and behaviors before the tough situations occur – it’s really effective.

 

 

The Power of a Single Moment

Image by Pabo76 via Flickr

Did you see Glee this week?  It was the much-anticipated Michael Jackson episode – and it was pretty darn good! The part of the show I’m focusing on is not MJ, however, but a conversation that took place between Kurt and his dad Bert.  Bert is one of my favorite characters because his advice and relationship with his gay son is never what one would expect given his tough, mechanic exterior.  During this episode he brought Kurt the good news that he had been short-listed for admission into his college of choice.  Bert said to his son something like:  “This will be one of the moments that changes the course of your life and you will remember it forever.”

It got me thinking about the power of single moments in life.  Can one moment, one action, one exchange, one event really change the course of our lives?  You bet.  And the cool thing is that these moments often aren’t what we think they might be.  Sure getting married, or divorced, or having a baby, experiencing a death are all life-changing events – but so are “smaller,” seemingly less significant events.

In the spirit of Glee, a single moment that changed my life was when I discovered that I had made it into my high school’s show choir.  Even now, many years later, I see this as a pivotal moment in my life.  It shaped my high school experience, provided me with friends I count among my closest to this day, and – perhaps most importantly – gave me the confidence to do lots of other things in life.

The other cool thing about single moments that change our lives is that they are fun to look back on and reminisce about. It can even be entertaining to play the “what-if” game (i.e., what if I never would have made the choir and gone out for volleyball instead?).

What are some of moments that have changed the course of your life?

Role Models for 2012

Good role models are hard to come by.  TV news, print media, and the internet are filled with stories of people making bad decisions, acting selfishly, and treating others poorly.  It can get downright depressing watching all this bad behavior.  It makes me wonder who my kids might look up to as they grow up.  Are there any “good” people out there anymore?

The answer is yes.  There are plenty.  In fact, there are probably many more kind, giving people in the world than there are nasty ones – we just don’t hear about them much.  So I’ve tried to come up with several of my favorite make-me-happy, positive-role-model type folks.  Here are a few:

Ron Weasley.  Ok, so he’s not a “real” person – but a good role model nonetheless.  Sure, his BFF Harry Potter was the easy pick, but Ron’s the one I really like.  He’s less popular than Harry, not as smart, rich, or athletic, but he is a true and constant friend.  He has a sort of stick-to-it-iveness that I admire, and he isn’t above admitting his mistakes.  On top of all that, he gets the girl in the end.

The Cast of Glee.  All my regular readers know that I am a HUGE gleek.  One of the reasons I like the show is its unabashed enthusiasm and happiness.  Could a show choir really be a show choir without those qualities?  Probably not – with all those jazz hands and everything.  Glee has the added benefit of promoting acceptance of differing cultural backgrounds, sexual preference, and physical and cognitive ability.  Keep it up, Glee!

Tim Tebow.  Colorado has pretty much gone crazy for Tim Tebow.  I have to admit that I am on the bandwagon, too.  Now, I don’t know enough about football to be able to analyze Tebow’s quarterbacking skills, but what I do know is that my mother (never previously a football fan), and 2 young daughters (who still have trouble telling football and basketball apart) all have Tebow Fever.  Why?  Because of his positive energy and his refusal to say or do the negative things his colleagues often do.  He’s grateful, humble, a super hard worker, and I once heard him say “golly” in an interview.  Now that’s someone to look up to.

Photo: timtebow.com

Lady Gaga/Taylor Swift.  These two singers are likely not friends, but they embody several things that are important to me in female role models: They are smart, mature, and successful – and they don’t make excuses about it.  If you’ve never seen interviews with Ms. Gaga or Ms. Swift, I highly suggest watching one on YouTube.  While both are in their twenties, they are poised and well-spoken and know exactly what they are doing with their careers.  In addition they are supremely grateful to their fans, and stick up for the underdogs among us.  Sing on, ladies!

Who am I missing? Who are your favorite role models?

 

Helping Families Learn from Penn State

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As I sat glued to Sports Center last night listening to the news about Penn State, Joe Paterno, and the rioting student body I was horrified.  I know folks around the country share in my revulsion, disappointment, and grief over the events of the past week (and 15 years).  And it’s pretty clear the details of the abuse of young boys and the fallout for all involved are just beginning.

I am a firm believer that all things DON’T happen for a reason.  What reason could there possibly be for mass sexual assault on children?  However, I do believe that we can learn from most, if not all, experiences – even horrendous ones.  There’s a lot we can learn from the mess at Penn State, including:

It’s all of our jobs to protect the children in our midst.  It’s not enough to tell a supervisor or a colleague or a buddy when abuse is suspected.  Contacting the police or social services is essential – even if it feels awkward, or weird, or like a betrayal.

Stereotypes aren’t always accurate.  We all have stereotypes of what a child molester looks like, what a “pervert” looks like, and what a man sexually attracted to boys looks like.  The Penn State coach accused of abusing 8+ boys most likely didn’t fit any of our stereotypes.  Sometimes child abusers (and rapists, and murderers, and arsonists) look creepy and suspicious – sometimes they look just like us.

Parents have to talk to their children about abuse of all kinds.  I’m not sure a child is ever too young to begin talking about personal safety.  While conversations should be age-appropriate, the best way to get kids to understand the importance keeping safe and telling someone if they’re not, is talking about it early and often.  With the Penn State situation in the news, now is a perfect time to sit your kids down and talk about what abuse is, and what to do if they feel unsafe (tell you, a teacher, a principal, etc).

For more ideas about how to talk to kids about sexual abuse, click here here and here:

 

 

Teen Sex and Glee

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Oh boy.  Last night’s Glee was a good one, and chock full of great potential blog topics: love triangles forming, childhood dreams dashed, and underage

Image: Glee on Fox

drinking.  For those who devoured watched last night’s episode though, it’s obvious that the most important topic was teen sex.  Rachel and Finn (Finchel) and Kurt and Blaine (Klaine) both “did it” for the first time in the episode – storylines that are burning up the blogosphere at this very moment (read some of the buzz here here and here).

Here’s my two cents:  In the best of all possible worlds, teenagers wouldn’t be thinking about such weighty topics as sexual relationships, pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, and sexual orientation.  Instead they would be busy singing and dancing, running and playing, reading and writing.  But, we don’t live in a fantasy world: we live here.  And where I live, teens have sex on the brain.  Almost all the time.  And guess what?  It’s been that way for a long time – generations in fact.  To deny this is dangerous and narrow-minded, and can lead to some scary consequences for teens and parents (unwanted pregnancies, life-threatning diseases, sexual abuse, and more).

So while I would have liked to see at least one of the couples decide to wait to have sex (in the interest of showing both sides of the argument), I think the folks over at Glee did a nice job portraying Finchel and Klaine’s first times.  Safe sex was discussed, the pros and cons of sexual intimacy were presented, and no hot-and-heavy scenes were shown.  Moving forward, I hope the writers include the heartbreak and regret that can – and often does – accompany a teen’s first sexual experience.  In the interest of showing teen sexuality as it really exists, I think this is essential.  Perhaps Rachel might begin to regret the event, Blaine might become jealous of Kurt’s other friends, Finn might realize that sex with Rachel isn’t all that much fun, or someone posts details of the event on Facebook.  I guess we’ll just have to wait and see what’s in store in the episodes to come.

In the meantime, here are some ideas for talking to the teens in your life about sex:

Mayo Clinic

Dr. Laura Berman

Psychology Today