Category: Current Events

Depressed Moms, Daycare, and Mom-Bashing.

Have you seen the buzz about the recent study finding that childcare might help protect the kids of depressed moms from later psychological and behavioral problems?  It’s all over the internet, including on blogs like CNN’s The Chart and the American Psychological Association’s Your Mind. Your Body. (disclaimer: that one was written by me).  If you want to read more about the study and its important findings please read the original article in the journal Pediatrics, or one of those blogs.  If you want to read about where one conversation about the study took me, then read on.

A girlfriend and I started out talking about the study, and ended up discussing why moms hate each other.  Oh sure, there are some moms who feel genuine love and support for one another, but there are many out there who really dislike one another, too.  And along with the dislike comes a host of other feelings, including: jealousy, contempt, and resentment.

How could a conversation about depressed moms lead to one about mom-bashing?  Because as soon as I see the word “childcare” – I know there will be a fight coming soon.

Childcare is great!

Childcare is awful!

Childcare is dangerous!

Childcare saved my children!

The comments are endless.  Why do we presume to know how how other moms should raise their children – and worse – actually say it out loud?  If we really cared for the other moms around us, wouldn’t we support them in their decisions, rally around them when they struggled, and hold our tongues when others started to gossip?  I contend that truly supporting moms around us would be another great way to assist the kids of depressed and happy moms alike.

So what can we do to turn this culture of mom-bashing around?  How can we be more supportive of one another?  Stop talking about each other. Quit gossiping, putting down, second guessing, and under-cutting the moms around you.  If you hear others do it, walk away.  If you read a blog post with nasty comments, close the page.  Whatever you have to do to stay positive and supportive of the other moms out there – and yourself in return – it’s worth it.

Want to read more thoughts on how to assist all kinds of moms and caregivers?  Check out my post on Your Mind. Your Body.

Mom Admits to “Never Liking” Her Daughter

Did you see the Today Show’s story this morning on the woman who admitted not liking her child?  She wasn’t talking about not liking her for one particularly rough afternoon or weekend full of naughtiness – but years of dislike.  This mom’s story also appeared in a recent Redbook Magazine article.  I encourage you to read/watch the story – it’s fascinating.  And, perhaps surprisingly, not all that uncommon.

I have known several moms (and a few dads) over the years who have simply not liked their children.  As the experts on the Today Show point out, this can be caused by a number of factors:

  • Disappointment that our child is not more like us, or more like what they thought they would be
  • Resentment/frustration over the immense pressures and responsibilities of parenthood
  • The child or parent may have a mental or physical disorder which makes it difficult to relate, bond, or connect with others

I have also seen what I term simply a bad “fit.”  Sometimes parents and children are so different that they struggle to get along.  Often this is a long, on-going process that takes place over the course of many years.  Sometimes it never resolves and the parents and child drift apart, or possibly even lose touch as the child becomes an adult.  Sometimes I see parents work to find some way to make the relationship meaningful, or find some piece of common ground – even if it is very small.

Regardless of the reason, if a mom or dad find themselves disliking their child for any extended period of time (say more than a couple weeks) it is likely time to get some help.  Talking to other, supportive parents, consulting your pediatrician, or contacting a psychologist are all good bets.  Parenting is a tough road for everyone at times, and there is no need to go it alone.

Photo by: Noise64

 

Getting Your Kids to (Really) Talk to You

I am in the midst of a new-found Oprah obsession.  Sure I’ve watched her shows in years past, but the last couple of months I have been enthralled.  Yesterday (May 19th) was no exception.  In addition to other guests, she interviewed a brother and sister whose mother had left their family.  Working with them was psychotherapist, M. Gary Neuman.  I have to admit that sometimes when I see therapists on television I hear “blah, blah, blah” (is this what people hear during my media interviews? Hmmm…).  Anyway, Mr. Neuman was great!  In particular, he had one piece of advice that was particularly poignant.  That is (and I’m paraphrasing):

If you really want your kids to talk to you, you have to do more than say ‘Let me know if you want to talk’ or ‘You can come to me if you have any problems.’

He is so right!  So many of us think we are opening the door to our kids’ conversations by making these statements, but in fact it takes much more to actually get them to open up.  Mr. Neuman suggested we actually bring up the topics we want our kids to talk about.  Here are some examples:

  • “Johnny I saw on the news that a lot of kids drink alcohol at after prom parties.  What are your plans after prom?”
  • “Sophie, I don’t know if you and Tucker are sexually intimate, but I thought we could talk about birth control options for girls your age.”
  • “Henry, I remember when I was about to graduate from high school I felt so nervous about college and the changes it would bring.  I wonder if you’ve felt nervous about next year at all?”
  • “Ellie, I was watching American Idol last night and one of the contestants talked about her parents divorce and how it still makes her sad.  I was wondering how our family’s divorce affects you?”

Mr. Neuman went on to note that we, as parents, need to bring these topics up to our kids time and time again.  By doing so we create a safe, accepting environment for them to talk about concerns – big and small.  Brilliant, Mr. Neuman!  Thanks for the reminder that we need to be active participants in communicating with our kids.

Photo by: George Burns/Harpo Studios

Tax Weekend – Are You Stressed?

3 more days and counting until Tax Day!  How is your stress level?  I contributed to an article written on LiveScience that came out today on tax day stress relief.  I thought I would write a bit more about my comments here.

I think there are a couple of main points about managing Tax Day Stress (and most kinds of stress for that matter):

Keep on Keeping on. Most of us already have at least one good coping skill on board already: walking, deep breathing, weekly book club, watching Days of Our Lives.  Whatever it is – keep doing it this weekend.  Resist the urge to try another, unhealthy way to cope (drinking too much, pick up cigarette smoking, go on a shopping spree).

Ask for help. Trouble figuring out the tax forms?  Reading your W-2?  Turning on Turbo Tax?  Don’t hesitate to ask for help.  Whether it’s your mom or your accountant, there’s no shame in getting assistance – this is tough stuff.

Want more ideas? Read the American Psychological Association’s tip sheet on managing Tax Day stress.

Photo by: RudeCactus

 

 

 

Booty Pops

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A friend and psychologist colleague of mine, Dr. Millie Funderburk, was recently interviewed for a story on Booty Pops.  I have to admit, when she first told me about it I didn’t know what they were – shows you how out of it I am!  But as I read about it, I was fascinated by the trend, and even more intrigued by her thoughtful responses.

I encourage you to read the article on KUSA-TV Denver featuring Dr. Funderburk here.  But as a re-cap, she had this to say about Booty Pops:

“I think that it’s neat that we have different representations of bodies.” I agree.  It’s wonderful to see a wider range of body types celebrated (and in this case emulated).  Perhaps down the road, it will allow more women to be able to embrace their unique shapes and sizes.

“…while the girls may just be trying to look like the girl in the magazine, they could instead be asking for unwanted attention.” She wondered, “And are they aware of it – what they are attracting?” Such an important point.  Are young girls thinking through the consequences of showcasing their bodies (and their augmentations) in this way?  Whose eyes are they hoping to catch?

“This is what your body should look like, so if it doesn’t, buy our product and we’ll fix the flaw.” Wow.  How many times in a day are young girls and women bombarded with products, tips, and techniques aimed at this very thing?  Almost constantly.

So where does that leave us?

“…it is time for parents to engage in open conversations with their teens about body image, because the subliminal messages they are taking in now could follow them through life.”

“…parents should tell their children the path to real confidence starts on the inside.

“What we really try to encourage young women to do… is accept their body as it is, and focus on the function of their body, instead of the form.”

Couldn’t have said it any better myself – thanks Dr. Millie Funderburk!

 

Adios Amigo: The Importance of Unfriending

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One of my Facebook “friends” started out the new year by announcing that as part of his New Year’s resolutions he was going to be cleansing his Facebook account of all unwanted friends*.  At the end of his post he announced that his unwanted “friends” would know they didn’t make the cut when they no longer saw his (frequent) posts.  At first I thought: “How rude!” Why would he proclaim such a thing for all the world to see?  But as I thought about it more, it occurred to me how important this act really is.

Do any of us really have 647 friends?  Do we really want to know what some of those old high school classmates are doing?  Do we really want to hear about the neighbors’ kids’ little league stats after every game?  Do we really want to know that our old college friend can still fit into her wedding dress 15 years later?  Um…no.

So perhaps as we start a new year, in addition to organizing our closets, and coming up with creative resolutions, we can also try to remember the definition of a true friend:  Someone we really care for, and want the best for – and someone who wants the same for us.  Someone we would rather pick up the phone and talk to, or drive across town for – and not someone whose life we watch from a computer screen miles away.

And perhaps by clearing out the non-friends from our “friends” list, we can remember who – and what – is important in our lives.  What makes us happy and what relieves our stress?  If we are honest with ourselves, reading about far away people from our distant past only makes us out of touch with the people and things we truly care about in the here and now.

*I didn’t make the cut

Creative Goal Setting for 2011

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Today may be January 1st, but since Monday is still a couple of days away, we get a few more days to set our goals before we really have to start working on them – a little New Year’s bonus! Just as I proclaimed gratitude for 99-cent coffee, felt, and Taylor Swift on Thanksgiving, today I’m thinking of real-life, practical, creative,  and do-able goals for 2011:

Remembering roller skating (unfortunately without the skirt and leg-warmers)

Remember past passions. I’m not talking about your high school crush here, but activities we used to love and have forgotten.  Knitting, dancing, photography, roller skating, snowboarding.  What have you stopped doing because life has gotten too busy?  Because you’ve gotten too “old”?  Because money’s too tight?  When I stop and think about it, there are quite a few old passions I have let go stale.  In 2011 I will remember these old flames and give them a chance to ignite my interest once again.

Make my heart race. I have a theory: one of the keys to happiness is pushing ourselves to do things that make us nervous – and succeeding in doing them!  And not just a little nervous, but real heart-pounding, palm-sweating experiences.  These heart-racing activities need not be dangerous, but simply challenging to us.  Taking a rock climbing class, joining Toastmasters, doing a live radio interview, or signing up for a half-marathon in June – what will get your heart thumping this year?

Quit trying so hard. In looking for others’ creative resolutions, I landed on one of my favorite blogs, Young House Love.  I was particularly impressed with Resolution #4 for 2011: “Take the people pleasing thing down a notch.“  Isn’t this something with which so many of us struggle?  Trying to be everything to everyone?  Rarely saying no?  Compromising ourselves to make things easier for others?  Sound familiar?  To quote Young House Love:

“…this Bill Cosby gem is our new mantra: ‘I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.’ Here’s hoping we can trust ourselves to share our lives in a way that feels the most authentic & exciting to us.”

Keep track. I’m pretty sure I read over 100 books last year.  The bummer is, I didn’t keep track so I don’t know for sure.  This year I am committing to log everything I read (and maybe even jotting down a couple of notes) so that never again do I start reading a new library book only to discover it is something I’ve already read.

First book of 2011

 

Is there something you could keep better track of?  Recipes you’ve tried?  Movies you’ve seen?

Stay tuned later this week for more tips about how to keep track of things and get organized (once and for all!) in 2011.

 

Surviving the Holidays – with Flair

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Here it is. My obligatory post on holiday stress. Every year reporters, clients, family, and friends ask me the same question “How can I get through the holidays without losing my mind?” And every year I try to come up with some new, interesting, and actually useful tips so we can all get to January 2nd with our bodies and minds intact. Try the tips below and I guarantee you’ll have fun – and maybe even take the stress level down a notch or two.

Bust out the bling. I was watching Oprah interview Naomi and Wynonna Judd yesterday and I couldn’t

Look closely and you can see the sparkle

take my eyes off Tammy’s bling. I mean, that girl sparkled! Her eyelids, her hands, her arms, her shoes – just about every surface blazed with jewels. As I sat mesmerized by the glow I realized that if a 64-year-old woman can pull off that kind of bling – so can I. And what better time of year to don all your jewels (real and fake) at once?!

Get outside. I love being outside, but even a sunshine addict like me can be stuck indoors for days during the holiday season. Baking cookies, wrapping gifts, shopping online – all inside activities. But we know fresh air, sunshine, and a quick walk can help relieve stress – so get out there and soak up the cool, crisp air.

Put the card down. Now. I try not to be negative in this blog, but I have to ask: When did Christmas become the season of bragging? I love receiving Christmas cards, reading sweet sentiments for the new year, and looking at photos of friends I haven’t seen in a while. But I dread the cards with long lists of accomplishments for each family member. “Tommy got 1st place in every swim meet this summer, is the starting quarterback as a Freshman, got the lead in the school play, and is now taking math courses at the University!” or “In addition to running my cupcake business and publishing my third novel, I am also the triplets’ Brownie troop leader, the president of the PTA (for the 4th year in a row – a record!), and completed 2 marathons.” These types of cards are enough to throw me into a fit of irritation, disgust, and feelings of inadequacy. Just what I DON’T need. Next time I think I’ll just leave the offensive Christmas cards/resumes for next year.

Keep it sexy. Yes, Christmas is a family holiday, but it can also be sexy. And who among us couldn’t use a little something to spice up the season?

Whether it’s watching a show like this:

Or looking at pictures of people like this:

Or this:

Or maybe wearing something like this:

Have fun, and don’t forget to bring your sexy back.

Are You Ready to Have a Child on Facebook?

Previously I have written about how to determine whether your child is ready for Facebook.  But what about us parents? How do we know when we are ready to parent a “Facebooker”?  Determining if you are ready, as a parent, to shoulder the responsibility of having a child with a Facebook account is perhaps even more important than determining if your child is ready.  After all, it is up to us to set the rules, set the boundaries, and – most importantly – set a good example for our children.

How do you know if you are ready?

  • Be an expert yourself. It is absolutely imperative that before you allow your child to set up a Facebook (or any other social networking) account, you must understand the technology yourself.  In fact, I recommend that all parents with children on Facebook maintain their own page – and check it often.  Not sure how to begin, start here.
  • Don’t break the rules. Check out the rules for using Facebook including the minimum age requirement – it’s 13.  If your child is under 13 and wants a Facebook page of their own, don’t do it (see above point about setting a good example).  Instead, set up a page for your family that you all can maintain together.  Think of it as on-the-job-training.
  • Set some guidelines. What are your family rules regarding Facebook use?  How often can your child be on the site?  Who can they be-friend (my advice: only people that they know relatively well), what sorts of things can they post (“I love my soccer team” is a great post, “My family and I will be out of state all weekend and we couldn’t find anyone to housesit” is not so good), What sorts of pictures are acceptable? What constitutes cyber-bullying and what will happen if they are bullied (or bully themselves)?  What are the grounds for loss of privileges (i.e., grades fall below a certain level)?  Are they allowed to access their account from a mobile device (i.e., smart phone, ipad) or can they only be on the site at home when you are around? Whatever guidelines you set, make sure you are consistent in enforcing them – and don’t forget to follow them yourself.
  • Move some furniture. I think one of the most important things we can do to make sure our kids are safe online is placing the computer where we can see it.  Perhaps that means it is in the kitchen or near the couch.  You should be able to glance at their screen often and easily.  If the computer is in their room, this might be tough.  Little fingers can move quickly when it comes to minimizing an inappropriate screen.
  • Be a good friend. If you decide to allow your child to set up their own account, insist that the two of you become friends.  Better yet, encourage them to become friends with other family members.  As noted above, part of having a child participate in the social networking world requires that you as a parent monitor their use of the technology.  Check out their posts, their “likes,” their pictures, where they’re tagged, and who they’re friending.
  • Turn it off. One of the things I notice frequently in my practice is that both adults and kids have a hard time turning off the technology around them.  Texting at dinner, making phone calls in the car, checking email at the dinner table – is it really necessary?  Talk to your kids about the importance of taking time off Facebook (and all technology) and set a “bedtime” for all devices.  And don’t forget to do it yourself, you might be surprised what happens to your stress level if you unplug on a regular basis.