Category: family life

Avoiding Affairs: Tips for Keeping Your Pants On

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The other day I read this OUTSTANDING article on how to avoid affairs by a super couples and family psychologist, Dr. David Palmiter.  I have never seen an article like it! I love his candor and forthright advice on avoiding affairs.  Seriously, it is worth checking out.

Among his 10 tips, I especially liked the following:

Tip #2: “Throw water on the spark. If you start feeling titillation towards another person do something to kill that. Putting some distance between you is always a good idea (e.g., stop having contact, make sure you are never alone together, don’t complain about your spouse to this person or encourage the same from him or her, avoid mixing contact with substance use).” 

I love this! So simple to say, hard to do in some cases, but right on the money in terms of affair avoidance advice.  Sometimes the most simple actions are the more effective.

Tip #8: “Reflect on what the pain from divorce is like.  Engaging an affair significantly increases the likelihood of a divorce and few human experiences are more stressful or painful than that.”

Divorce is unavoidable at times, avoidable at others – but the subsequent pain is always there.  Particularly when children are involved.  Best to think twice, three times, then over and over again before starting an affair.

And my favorite, Tip #1: “Be humble. Realize that an affair can happen to anybody.”

Nobody gets married thinking they will have affairs and get divorced, yet it happens everyday.  Not taking our partners and our relationships for granted is something for all of us to keep in mind.

To read the rest of Dr. Palmiter’s tips for avoiding affairs, check out his Blog for Hectic Parents.

 

Helping Kids with ADHD…Without Giving Them Meds

This article was recently released by the American Psychological Association.  Reading it brought a smile to my face and relief to my brain.  Finally, a well-written, well-researched, easily-readable article about non-pharmacological treatments for ADHD.Screen shot 2013-02-26 at 8.56.56 AM

Don’t get me wrong,  I am not against psychiatric medication – in fact I often work collaboratively with psychiatrists, and understand and appreciate what they bring to mental health treatment.  However, my area of expertise is behavior change and family dynamics.  This article does a fantastic job outlining how those things can be used to help kids (and families!) struggling with attention issues and ADHD.

Here are a few highlights from the article:

  • Programs and education for parents and teachers can be highly effective in helping kids maintain better attention
  • Physical activity, including therapeutic recreation could be a treatment of choice for ADHD
  • Extra sleep can be helpful – in our fast-paced world it can be easy to overlook that some kids who exhibit hyperactivity may in fact be over-tired

If you or someone you know is affected by ADHD, hyperactivity, or trouble maintaining attention you might want to take a look at APA’s article.  ADHD is a complicated condition and there are surely no easy answers when it comes to treatment.  But addressing the basics (sleep, exercise, home environment) is a good place to start.

Book Review: Far From the Tree

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I think there might be something “funny” in the pages of Far From the Tree by Andrew Solomon, because I couldn’t every time I tried to stop reading it, I kept getting pulled back in.  Let me explain…

I first learned of Mr. Solomon’s book while listening to an interview on NPR.  He explained that he had spent several years interviewing families about their children who had a fallen “far from the tree,” meaning they were very different from their parents.  This may have been because of a mental illness (schizophrenia), a physical disability (deafness), or the circumstances surrounding their conception (in rape).  I thought the topic sounded interesting as I frequently work with parents whose children are markedly different.  “Hmmm,” I thought, “I’m sure I can learn a thing or two.” Boy, was that an understatement.

Fast forward a few weeks, and the book arrives for my review, and it is ONE THOUSAND PAGES!  So, even though I make a point to read all my reviews cover to cover, I thought Far From the Tree would be the exception. I thought I’d read the introductory chapter, a few in the middle (the chapters are organized by topic; for example one chapter is on prodigies, another on transgender), and call it good.  It didn’t work out that way. Every time I tried to put the book down, it called to me from my night stand.  Wouldn’t you know, I read the whole thing. No, not read, devoured.  Because here’s the thing: this book is fantastic.

Not only is Far From the Tree superbly written – it was literally a thrill to read the finely crafted words – but the content was outstanding as well.  Mr. Solomon challenges us to think differently about how we love, but also (and in my opinion, even more importantly) how we define and understand disability.  What makes someone normal or abnormal, and who gets to decide these criteria? Psychologists? Law makers? Physicians? Pop culture and media?  These are important conversations, especially as we as an American culture are trying to expand our view of what is acceptable and/or normal, while (hopefully) simultaneously extending legal, healthcare, and other benefits to people who used to be considered well outside of the norm.

Many of the chapters were gut-wrenching, but even through teary-eyes I couldn’t stop reading.  Mr. Solomon’s many interviewees were so candid and thoughtful in the way they described their families and children.  Mr. Solomon obviously went to great lengths to create strong relationships with these families and individuals; he is a gifted man.

I heartily recommend this book.  Pick through it chapter by chapter, or read it in bits and pieces over time.  The messages, the struggles, and the questions posed are important for all of us to consider – whether our children have fallen far from us or not.

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Check out this review on Mr. Solomon's site!

Check out this review on Mr. Solomon’s site!

Bullies In The Lunchroom? Helping Your Kids Stand Up For Their Tuna

Teasing can happen anywhere.  And so can it’s meaner, more serious cousin bullying.  As most any kid can tell you, the lunch hour can be a stressful one.  Who to sit with? Buy lunch or bring lunch? How to deal with the mean lunch lady? How to cope when making friends and conversation don’t come easily? What to do when weight and food are struggles? Leave campus or eat in the cafeteria? Ugh. The dilemmas are endless.  Unfortunately so are the possibilities for conflict.

I wrote the following article over at Produce for Kids about how to help your kids when they are being bullied about what is in their lunchbox.  Seem far-fetched and like it never happens? Ask the kids in your life, and I bet they will tell you otherwise.

Dealing with Lunchroom Bullies: Produce for Kids

Dealing with Lunchroom Bullies: Produce for Kids

5 Questions with Dr. David Palmiter

A couple of months ago I posted a review of Dr. David Palmiter‘s book, Working Parents Thriving Families.  It’s a great book, and I’m thrilled to have Dr. Palmiter here today to answer a couple of questions! Welcome, Dr. Palmiter!

Dr. S: In your book, Working Parent Thriving Families, you talk quite a bit about your own family. What did your wife and kids think about that? Did they give you any advice when you were writing the book?
Dr. P: I think the only concern they had was whether I’d say something completely idiotic, which they seem to believe is a vulnerability of mine! Seriously, they were okay with what I wrote.Screen shot 2013-01-07 at 2.32.42 PM

Dr. S: Your book includes 10 steps to a happier, healthier family.  If you had to pick THE MOST IMPORTANT one, what would it be?
Dr. P: Chapter One: Special Time. I say this because it is the intervention that most promotes a sense of worthiness in a kid and a sense closeness between a parent and a child; in my travels it is the latter which is especially important to we parent-lunatics.
Dr. S: Are there any steps or strategies you wished you had included but didn’t?
Dr. P: I would probably have said more about bullying, diversity training/dialogue and violence prevention; I seem to be dealing with these issues more and more in my professional life and in what I see in our culture at large.
Dr. S: What are you working on these days? Any new books in the works?
Dr. P: I’m working on a book proposal for teaching graduate students how to do cognitive-behavioral therapy. The working title is “OMG, What Do I Do If My Client                            : A Practical How-To Guide for Doing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy with Children and Adolescents.”
Dr. S: One of the things I often write about is stress management.  We all know yoga and meditation are great, but I am more interested in unique, creative ways for managing worry.  What do you do to manage the stress in your life?
Dr. P: Scream at TV broadcasts of the Washington Redskins and Baltimore Orioles (the coaches can perhaps hear one, and benefit from one’s counsel, if one is loud enough ;-), play low stakes poker with my boys, use humor whenever and wherever possible and practice magic tricks to show my students and child clients; at the end of the day I’m a huge exhibitionist, so I’m learning to just go with that. lol

Thanks for taking time to answer my questions, Dr. Palmiter! Check out his book here.

Stay tuned for upcoming book reviews! I’ve got a huge stack just waiting to be read, written, and posted! In the meantime, if you have suggestions for me to read and review, please send ideas along!

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What Makes Your Family Unique?

As we launch into the new year, many of us are taking stock of who we are, who we want to be, and what we want out of 2013.  In addition to looking at

I would love to see this family's list about what makes them unique! Photo via ABC News Blogs

I would love to see this family’s list about what makes them unique! Photo via ABC News Blogs

ourselves as individuals, why not take a look at our families too?  No matter the make up or size of your family, it can be useful to define who you are and what makes you unique.

I recently sat down with my family to answer the following question:

What does it mean to be a Smith?

Of course I had some of my own ideas, but what was really fun was hearing what the other members of my family had to say.  One of my favorite answers? Being a Smith means having fun together.

So what makes your family, your family?  Not all families are the same.  What are the priorities in your household?  Some ideas might include:

  • Being respectful of others
  • Playing games together
  • Treating others with fairness
  • Taking care of the environment
  • Laughing everyday
  • Keeping a clean, organized home
  • Being thankful for each other and what you have
  • Participating in religious activities together
  • Exercising and being mindful of health
  • Taking part in new adventures
  • Watching movies
  • Learning about different people and places
  • Reading together
  • Trying out new foods and cooking together
  • Telling jokes and stories to each other
  • Traveling together
  • Serving others in the community

Try spending some time coming up with a list of 5-10 qualities that make up your family.  Post the list where everyone can see them, and work the list into your life.  Being clear about who you are can help with making decisions and defining priorities (including how to spend time, money, and energy).

Happy New Year!

Elf on the Shelf: Cool or Creepy?

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Am I the last mother on Earth not to adopt Elf on the Shelf as a holiday season behavioral management tool?  I think I may be.

I don’t actually own an Elf on the Shelf, so I am no expert, but the whole idea seems a little bit creepy to me.  A doll that watches your every move, reports everything back to Santa, and can’t be touched by humans?  Am I missing something?

From my super-scientific Facebook research I notice that many of my friends and colleagues use EOTS to help their kids stay in line during holiday season.  And it looks like parents also have fun finding a place for him to move each night after the kids are in bed.  Here are some thoughts:

The psychologist (and Scrooge) in me says: This is not a good thing.  Not only is the idea of a little elf running around the house, and then flying up to the North Pole and back scary for kids (and adults, eek!), but lying to our kids and coercing them into good behavior with the threat of being exposed to Santa? – this can’t be a psychologically healthy parenting tool!  And don’t even get me started on Santa himself: what are we telling our kids anyway? Stay away from strangers all year, except this large guy whose face is obscured by all manner of facial hair.  And kids, don’t just talk to him, sit on his lap and whisper in his ear about all the material things you want but probably can’t afford and certainly don’t need. Blech.

The parent in me says: This sounds like a lot of work.  So on top of everything else this month I have to remember to move this little guy around…or else?  After asking my kids their thoughts, #1 says she thought it would be creepy, too.  She even wondered aloud how scary it would be to have something roaming around in the house while we were all asleep.  Child #2 says we NNEEEEEEDD an Elf on the Shelf because everyone else has one, and she would probably have perfect behavior if we had one too.  Doubtful.  Child #3 had no comment.

So, EOTS-practicing parents, what are your thoughts?  What am I missing?  Help me understand why this little guy has become a December staple!  Better yet, send me your best EOTS pictures and I will post them here.

UPDATE:

PICTURES OF ELF ON THE SHELF IN ACTION! THANKS FOR SENDING THESE, DR. STEPHANIE READERS! 

Please send pictures to stephanie@drstephaniesmith.com or post on my Facebook wall

Elf at play

Elf at play

Injured Elf

Injured Elf

Healed Elf

Healed Elf

 

 

The Holiday Season & Mental Health Emergencies

As I noted in my last post, the holidays can be tough.  For some of us it can be a season of financial stress, sugar-cookie and waistline anxiety, and family annoyances.  For others of us, this season can be a time of very serious depression.

I was recently in San Francisco and took this picture:

I had never seen anything like it before – a sign for crisis counseling?!? I immediately saw the reason (notice the Golden Gate Bridge in the background), but also started to wonder what it would be like if there were such services available everywhere.  What would the world be like if we were never more than a mile or two from someone who could really help?  A better, less lonely, less isolated world I say.  One where I would like to be.

If you, or someone you know could use an ear this time of year, here are a few places where you can find someone to talk to:

American Psychological Association, Psychologist Locator

The Trevor Lifeline (Specializing in LGBTQ Youth) 866-488-7386

Kristin Brooks Hope Center 800-442-HOPE

National Suicide Prevention Hotline 800-273-8255

9-1-1

If you are a business owner or school leader, consider posting a sign with the above information for those in need this holiday season – and all year ’round!

 

Helping Kids Make Smart Food Choices…Without Giving Up Cake

One of my coolest professional roles is as a Parent Advisory Board member for Produce for Kids, an organization that encourages healthy eating for kids and families.  This week I wrote an article for their website about how to help kids incorporate all types of foods into their diets.  We all know that tomatoes and fish are great for us, but I also suggest tips for how to include chocolate, cake, and nachos into a balanced diet.  After all, could any of us survive for long without cake or curly fries?  I know I couldn’t.  Check out the article for ideas on how to make healthy, balanced, and REALISTIC food choices for you and your family.

Check out the Produce for Kids website for all sorts of tips on health eating – including easy, kid-friendly recipes!

Book Review: Working Parents Thriving Families

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A few things before I start this review:

1. I typically don’t care for parenting books.  They tend to be preachy, too complicated, and make me feel like a lousy parent after reading them.  Read more about my thoughts on parenting books here.

2.  Dr. David Palmiter, the author of Working Parents, Thriving Families, is a colleague of mine so I’m not totally un-biased when it comes to this review.  With that said, one of the reasons he is a colleague is that I consider him an excellent psychologist and teacher.

3.  I have read this book a couple of times.  The first time was so I could write a quick review to go into the book.  The second time was for this blog – so I consider myself a real expert on this book! To read my review (along with a bunch of others), click here.

OK, with that stuff out of the way, here we go:

While I’m not sure if the “Working” in the title refers to parents who work outside the home, or a recognition of the fact that parenting is “work,” the title sets the tone for this down-to-earth, super accessible book that deals with a lot of real-life issues. Dr. Palmiter doesn’t focus on step-by-step techniques or discipline strategies that need a PhD to administer.  He simply talks about the basics of parenting and what needs to happen in order to raise a happy family – while acknowledging that none of us is perfect and we all get overwhelmed and frustrated with ourselves, our partners, and our kids from time to time.

A few of the things I like best about Dr. Palmiter’s book:

  • “Special Time.”  Dr. Palmiter suggests we spend an hour each week with each of our children doing nothing but watching them engage in something they enjoy, and then commenting, praising, and encouraging them in that activity.  He suggests how awesome it might feel if we (as adults) heard things like: “You prepared that dinner beautifully” or “Wow, you really managed the kids like a pro today” on a regular basis – and the same goes for our kids.  I love tips like this because they are free, aren’t hard to master, don’t have side effects, and can make a huge impact on families in a relatively short period of time.  I know, I know, I’m not sure I can really do that for what would equal 3 hours per week either (and he comments on that complaint), but it is something to work toward for sure.
  • His humor and lighthearted tone.  Parenting is a funny endeavor – but you would never know it by looking at most of the books, blogs, and websites out there.  Dr. Palmiter did a great job making me laugh. A couple examples are when he offers some comebacks to common kid complaints:

Kid: But all of my friends are allowed to do it!

Parent: Do you think their parents would consider adopting you?

Kid: But, you let (name of sibling) do that!

Parent: I love her more than you.

  • I didn’t feel like crap at the end.  As I mentioned above, lots of parenting books make me feel like a bad parent.  Either because I never have the energy or motivation to do all the things they tell me I should, or because my kids never look like their examples.  The thing about this book is that my family DOES look like Dr. Palmiter’s examples, and he even shares his own quirky family and parenting blunders with us!  He also seems to get that modern family life is crazy, hectic (his website is even hecticparents.com), and frankly ugly at times.

To learn more about Dr. David Palmiter check out his website.  To buy the book, check it out here.