Category: Parenting

Homework: A Psychologist’s Perspective

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Photo by: Peapodsquadmom

 

I have written before about my thoughts on homework.  Mainly, I’m against it.  At least for elementary schoolers, and possibly even for middle schoolers.  I can see the benefits of homework for high schoolers.  Reading literature, working on calculus problems, and writing up science experiments seem like worthy ways to spend time for the high school set.  But “work sheets” for young kids and tweens mostly seem like a waste of time.

In talking to a colleague the other day (who shared my opinion), I tried to come up with a few guidelines for when I think homework might be appropriate for kids.  Admittedly, I am not an educator and don’t share their expertise and perspective on homework (I am open to comments!).  This is what I think from the perspective of a psychologist:

Goals.  There should be a clear goal when homework is given.  Homework for homework’s sake is not a good enough reason for me.  There should be a compelling reason that children need to crack open the books at home.

Priorities.  I am always hopeful that teachers and administrators keep in mind that each minute a child spends doing homework is one less minute they can spend: exercising, spending quality time with family, engaging in music lessons, volunteering in the community, preparing healthy meals, relaxing, engaging in imaginative play, and/or getting the sleep they need to grow and thrive.  Is the homework assigned more important than those things?  If not, then it can probably be skipped.

Development.  In order for homework to be an effective teaching tool, children should be able to remember they have homework, be able to read the assignment and understand the task, complete the assignment with minimal (if any) parental help, put the work in their bag, and return it to their teacher – all without assistance.  If they require more than minimal parental assistance on any of these steps – they are just too young!  Homework should not be an added burden for the parents and/or a daily potential fight between family members – but an adjunct to the hours spent in school.

Teachers, parents, educators – what am I missing?  Are there reasons for assigning homework that I am missing?  Other guidelines you employ when deciding whether or not to assign homework?

Managing Mom Guilt

Photo by: kevindooley

I have yet to see a study finding the biological source of mom guilt.  Yet, I know it’s there somewhere.  It is born along with the baby, and is something almost all moms feel at one time or another:

I work too much

I spend too much time away

I am too coddling

I don’t fix enough healthy meals

The list goes on and on.  The particulars of each mom’s guilt are different, but the resulting thought is the same – “I’m not doing a good enough job as a parent.”

Someone recently asked me how one gets rid of Mom Guilt so that we can be free to parent and live our lives without that nasty (and typically unproductive) emotion.  I responded by saying that if I knew the answer I would by lying poolside somewhere in Beverly Hills because I would be a zillionaire.  In thinking more about it, I realize that we probably can’t totally rid ourselves of guilt over what we have or haven’t done as a parent, but we can do our best to minimize the impact the guilt has on our lives and self esteem.  Here’s what I have come up with:

Surround yourself with supportive women.  I’m constantly encouraging my kids to make good choices when it comes to friends and playmates.  The same should apply to moms.  Notice whether the women in your life are supportive, positive, and encouraging.  If not, it may be time to find new friends.  When we are surrounded by negative, critical people we often take on those traits ourselves.  Luckily, when we have a support system who is positive and nurturing, we adopt those traits as well.  As an added bonus, we will be less likely to cast a critical eye on our own parenting decisions when we have supportive friends.

Too much information can be the enemy.  Some people manage anxiety by gathering as much information as they can about the problem.  Sometimes this can be a good strategy, many times it can make the situation worse.  This can definitely be true of parenting decisions.  Take the problem of how to get your child to sleep through the night.  A few minutes online will reveal many different and conflicting strategies.  These might include crying it out, co-sleeping, and everything in between.  Instead of spending your anxious moments reading parenting books, blogs, and other “helpful hints,” pick one or two people you trust (your pediatrician and mom, for example) and ask them their advice.  Most of all, don’t forget to listen to your own voice.

Keep things in perspective.  When all else fails and I am still feeling guilty, I try to keep things in perspective.  There are many women and families not nearly as fortunate as me.  Most women around the world don’t have the luxury of feeling guilty and/or comparing the merits of various parenting styles.  Instead they are trying to find food for their children, locate affordable medical care for sick babies, and keep their families safe from violence.  Keeping these women in mind helps me remember how lucky I am to be a mom in 21st century America, and just like that, much of my guilt and anxiety melts away.

 

 

Choosing After School Activities

Photo by: Kingbob.net

The time for choosing after school and extracurricular activities is upon us.  I don’t know about you, but this task can feel more daunting than picking my child’s school!  I’m lucky that my community has many options to choose from.  But like anything else, sometimes too many options can be too much of a good thing.  So how does one narrow down the possible choices to just one or two?

Cost:  I have found that high cost does not necessarily equal high quality.  Some sports tend to be cheaper (like soccer) because they do not use as many supplies as say football. It doesn’t mean the activity is better because it costs more.

Interest: This may be a no-brainer, but sometimes we parents forget to assess our children’s interest in the activity in question.  Sure piano lessons might be good for them, but if they have absolutely no interest, it will be a painful year of forced practicing for everyone involved.

Family Fit: I’m a big proponent of making sure after school activities fit with the messages we are trying to teach our children at home.  Is sustainability and environmental health something you strongly believe in?  Then perhaps an after school science club would be a good fit.  Believe in the power of musical theater?  Choir might be a good bet.

Schedule: As much as we’d like to be, none of us can be two places at once.  Before signing up for extracurriculars, check out the schedules for all your children and balance against your own activity and work calendar.  No one will have fun doing anything if it means arriving late, leaving early, and going without dinner on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  Be realistic about your family’s timeline and limits.

Usefulness:  If you’ve narrowed down the options and are stuck between two sports (or other activities) that are equal in every way, you may want to consider the activity’s usefulness.  For example, football is great, but perhaps learning to golf might prove to be more do-able over the course of your child’s life.  Similarly, drum lessons might be cool, but if it’s all the same to your child, learning to play the guitar might have wider applicability down the road.  It’s kind of like this:  French may be a beautiful language, but if you live in the Southwest, Spanish wins out in terms of practicality.

I don’t have a rule about how many activities kids should participate in, because each child (and each family) is different.  Some do best with an activity everyday, others do best with more minimal commitments.   Check in with your kids about how they’re feeling about their workload.  Ask them now, and ask them again throughout the semester.  Are they enjoying school and clubs like they used to?  Are they getting enough sleep and down time?  Use this fall’s observations to inform your decisions about the spring semester.

How do you pick activities for your child?

 

 

 

 

Sympathy for the Hot Sauce Mom?

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Have you heard the story about the mom who poured hot sauce into the mouth of her 7 year old adopted son?  I first read about it a few months ago, and the story is resurfacing again as the legal battle heats up.  If you aren’t familiar with the story of the mom, her family, and The Dr. Phil Show, check it out here.   And if you want to watch the video of the mom (Jessica Beagley) actually inflicting the punishment, here it is:

So, what do I have to say about this incident?  To be honest, I’m not sure.  The prosecutors sure paint an ugly picture of Ms. Beagley as a mom hungry for notoriety on a reality show, and willing to do anything to get it.    The defense wants the jury to see her as a stressed out, desperate mother of 6, doing what she could to get help from the country’s most infamous psychologist.  I don’t know who to believe, but a couple things seem certain:

1.  There are lots of folks who are willing to do lots of crazy things to get on TV.  Whether the intentions are good (win a million dollars, find true love, get free parenting advice), or not so good (destroy the reputation of a colleague) this sets up a slippery slope of stupid, and sometimes even dangerous behavior.  Perhaps we all need to re-think our obsession with reality TV and the drama it invites.

2.  Parenting is super hard.  Parenting children with special needs is even harder.  While it is never OK to abuse or torture children, we must have sympathy and understanding for parents who are pushed to their limits.  Furthermore, affordable, user-friendly parenting resources need to be closer to home than in the LA studios of The Dr. Phil Show.

What are your thoughts about this disturbing story?

Save the Strong, Smart Man!

Photo by: Jason Edward Scott Bain

When reading this recent post on CNN’s The Chart I started thinking about men and boys in a new light.  CNN’s article was about some new research suggesting that testosterone levels in men has decreased in recent decades.  They also mentioned that male birth rates have been declining in some populations.  The authors speculated that environmental exposures might be the reason.  What I started thinking was: how is American culture and media affecting men and boys?

I am a woman and I have daughters, so I typically think and write about how the world is affecting females.  But that is pretty one-sided of me.  Just as important to societal health is how men and boys are being portrayed in the media and treated in real life.  We’ve all heard about ADHD and autism being more prevalent in boys, and the current educational system being more conducive to female rather than male minds.  But what I am focused on is how pop culture is portraying the roles of men.  And it isn’t pretty.

I’m thinking of the lunchmeat (or was it cellphone?) commercial where the woman is making lunch.  She yells for her male mate to come to the table.  She calls him multiple times to come to kitchen with no luck.  Finally she resorts to texting him a picture of his waiting sandwich.  Seeing it, he quickly comes to the table to eat.  Just like a hungry dog.  Is this really the type of male partner we want our boys (and girls) to see?  One that responds only when his most basic needs are being met?  Why not show the couple working together as a team to make lunch while having a smart discussion?  For a list of more male-bashing commercials check out AskMen.com’s Top Ten List.

When I’ve talked to other folks about this phenomena, I’ve been reminded of the many TV programs that portray men as bumbling, selfish, and irritable people.   The Simpsons, Family Guy, and even Friends have done the men and boys in our lives a disservice.  What role models are we giving our boys to look up to?  Where are the strong, smart, capable, and responsible males being highlighted and celebrated?

I am on the lookout for strong male figures in our culture.  Ideas?

Tears and Cheers: Back to School Emotions

Photo by: Dawn Ashley

Today is back to school day in my neck of the woods.  The backpacks are packed, the outfits picked out, the teachers assigned.  The only thing left for us parents to do is experience the flood of emotions that come with waving goodbye.  Whether our kids are heading off to class for the first time or are seasoned pros, this is an emotional time of year for many families.

I have talked to lots of moms who are relieved that the long, unstructured days of summer are over.  And I’ve talked to many who dread the early wake up times and homework assignments of the school year.  I think most of us feel both the dread and excitement simultaneously.  Emotions can be especially strong for parents of preschoolers and kindergartners, families who have moved to a new town, or parents who have children who struggle socially or academically.

If you find yourself alternating between crying and shouting “Yahoo!” know that the fluctuation is totally normal!  After a few weeks in school we will all be back into a routine, and our emotions will likely return to normal, too.  In the meantime, find support from other parents in your neighborhood or school.  Chances are they are feeling the exact same thing.

Does your child have worries about going back to school?  Read some tips here.

APA offers tips for coping with Back to School Blues here.

Back to School Worries

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Photo by: MerelyMel13

It’s not unusual for even the most confident kids to have worries associated with heading back to school.  New teachers, new expectations, new classroom – there are a lot of unknowns when entering a new school year.  Anxieties can grow even more intense when a child is starting a new school.  How can parents help?

Be Prepared.  Worries breed when we are unprepared.  Do you have a list of school supplies, clothing, and other materials that need to be purchased?  Try shopping well ahead of time so that you aren’t scrambling at the last second.  When you are prepared and relaxed – your kids will follow.

Dress Rehearsals are Good.  I’m a big fan of practicing events about which we are worried.  A few days or a couple weeks before the big day, try a dress rehearsal.  Have your child dress in their back to school outfit, eat a typical school day breakfast, pack their lunch, grab their backpack, and head off to school.  Make a fun event out of it.  If your school allows for a visit before classes start – do it!  It can help ease worried minds to be able to visualize the hallways and classrooms in which they will learning.

Don’t Say “Don’t Worry.”  None of us wants our kids to worry or be stressed.  So when your son says, “Mom, I’m nervous about the first day of school” most of us answer by saying, “It’ll be fine!  Don’t be worried!”  But in the interest of encouraging our kids to talk to us, a better response might be: “What are you worried about?”  This will give your child the opportunity to explain their worries, so that you can respond appropriately.  A conversation might go like this:

Child: “Mom, I’m nervous about the first day of school.”

Parent: “What are you feeling nervous about?”

Child: “I’m afraid I won’t know anyone with my lunch period and I will have to sit alone.”

Parent: “I can see why you’d be worried about that.  Let’s come up with some ideas about what to do if that happens.”

Child: “I don’t know what to do!”

Parent: “Could you sit with a teacher?  Sit next to someone else sitting alone?”

Child: “Yea, maybe I could sit next to someone else who’s alone.”

Parent: “Great!  Sounds like a good plan.”

Perhaps the most important thing about helping your child learn to manage worries is to check in after the first day is over.  See how it went.  Was there a reason to worry, or not?  How did they cope with the lunch room situation?  If the day was a success, use it to build confidence for the next worrisome situation.  If it wasn’t, try brainstorming more solutions for a better outcome.

 

 

 

Kids and TV – What to Watch?

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On a recent family vacation I was forced had the opportunity to watch TV with my kids more than usual.  I was appalled at what I saw.

My ideas about TV might be a little different than others.  I’ve written before that I let my kids (ages 5 and 7) watch Glee with supervision.  The sex, drinking, homosexuality and other mature topics don’t bother me.  Why?  Because my kids come across these issues in their everyday lives, why not be sitting right next to them when the topics arise?  Of course I have my limits.  For example, I recently thought it would be fun to watch Grease with my oldest.  Luckily I pre-screened the movie.  Though I have seen the movie literally hundreds of times, I never watched it through my “mom eyes.”  I’m so glad I did!  The constant sexual innuendos and smoking were just too much for a 7 year old brain to understand.  Maybe in a few years.

The TV programs on my Do Not Watch list are the ones dripping with disrespect and sarcasm.  Before my trip I thought I had screened all the kids’ shows which portray ungrateful, entitled youth.  Namely, the shows on the Disney Channel (i.e., Hannah Montana).  These and similar shows literally make my stomach turn.  The way the kids talk to their parents, siblings, and each other is shocking.  Sarcasm is such a nasty form of humor – do we really need to teach it to our kids before they are out of grade school?

During my trip I noticed sarcasm and disrespect in other shows, too.  Sponge Bob Square Pants and Johnny Test to name a couple of my kids’ favorites.  I started to wonder, what could they watch that would be consistent with the values of our family?  What would be entertaining for them (they have moved past Dora and Bob the Builder) but consistent with what we are trying to teach them at home?  I am open to suggestions!  In the meantime I have settled on the following programs:

The Smurfs - One of my old faves made relevant by the new movie. Photo by: Coolspotters.com

19 Kids and Counting: My kids love this show, luckily it is all about the importance of family. Photo by TLC

Any show about making cakes, like TLC's Cake Boss Photo by TLC

What great shows am I missing?  I know there are other families out there struggling with the same questions.  What do you encourage your kids to watch?

It’s a Vacation…Not Working from the Beach

It’s vacation season!  Beach trips, mountain excursions, National Park adventures.  What could be better than a trip with loved ones to an awesome place?  In my opinion, not much.

Vacations are an important part of family life.  They provide us with new experiences with our family, create memories to treasure, and sometimes even give us the opportunity to make new friends.  Vacations are also an important part of maintaining mental health.  They give us a break from the stresses of work, maintaining a household, and other everyday chores.  Vacations can also give us perspective on how other people live and how we might be placing too much importance on non-important things.  One of my favorite summer vacation rituals is setting goals for the year ahead.  Work goals, family goals, personal goals.  Vacations give me the time and space to be able to think about such things.

My pre-vacation goal for this summer is to let my vacation actually be a vacation.  Not an on-location working trip or a working holiday.  Off go the ipads, laptops, and smart phones.  On go the out-of-office vacation responses on email and voicemail.  Bring on the fun, relaxation, and memory-making…who’s with me?

Baby Names and Overwhelmed Parents

Thinking of baby names is super fun.  Until you are pregnant.  Isabelle,  Megan, Jonathan, Benjamin – it’s all fun and games until it actually means something.  I got all sorts of (unsolicited) baby-naming advice when I was pregnant with baby #1.  I tried to disregard most of it (“You don’t want to name the baby ______, it’s so common/unusual.”).  But one piece of advice from a mom of three has stuck with me all these years later.

Once you find a couple of names you like, scream them each as loud as you can 20-30 times in a row.  If there’s one you like after the exercise is completed- you have your name!  After all, you will spend a lot of time screaming the name in the coming years.

At the time I thought the advice was a little crass.  I would NEVER scream at my precious bundle of joy.  7+ years later, I think my friend’s advice was very wise.  None of us like to raise our voices at our children, but it happens.  Even in my house.

I was reminded of my friend’s sage advice the other day while sitting poolside.  The mom next to me had 2 girls and spent a lot of time yelling at them.  Not unusual for the pool: “No running!,” “Don’t push your sister!,” “Don’t dive in the shallow end!”  What was unusual, however, was the names she was using to call her girls.  Instead of using 2 names for her 2 daughters (i.e., Emily and Ashley) she had at least 5 names (i.e., Emily, Ashley, Jennifer, Cleo, and Paige).  I was fascinated by this family.  What was going on?  Were there children around the corner I hadn’t seen?  After about 30 minutes, the mom must have noticed my interest.  She turned and explained,

I have to yell at Emily and Ashley so much that I have gotten sick of their names.  Now I call them by a bunch of different names to give my throat and ears a rest.

That cracked me up.  I am in the business of parenting strategies – and that was a new one to me.  I still haven’t decided if this mom’s technique was a sign of trouble, or a brilliant parenting strategy.  Either way, it brought a smile to my face as I realized – yet again – what a tough job parenting is for all of us.