Category: Parenting

Thank you, USA Women’s Soccer!

Photo via: Top U.S. Post.com

What a fun ride it has been watching the USA Women’s Soccer Team play in the World Cup the last couple of weeks.  I was so moved by the experience of watching these exceptional women, that I wanted to say a public “thank you” to the team.

Thank you, Team USA for giving us something positive to focus on in the midst of the bad news that surrounds us everyday.  Floods, droughts, murders – sometimes the news around us causes me to question the state of our country and world.  You gave us a reprieve from all that negativity and in return, something to smile about.

Thank you, Team USA for working together, as a team.  As we watch with frustration (and sometimes anger) at our representatives in Washington, D.C. and their inability to compromise, use teamwork, and just plain get along – it is refreshing to see a group of professionals do it with apparent ease.  And without complaint.

Thank you, Team USA for showing our sons and our daughters what it means to be strong, smart women with purpose.  In a time when our young girls feel pressure to be sexy, and believe that true happiness comes only after Prince Charming arrives – you are just the role models we need to show us a healthier way.

Thank you, Team USA for losing to Japan yesterday.  Sure it was disappointing, but in that loss you reminded all of us that things don’t have to turn out “perfectly” to be fun and worthwhile.  You also showed us how to lose gracefully and with class – a lesson many of us can stand to learn over and over again.

Kids, Chores, and Avoiding Resistance

I was having a conversation with a friend of mine the other day about kids and chores.  How much is too much?  Too little?  Should they be given allowance?  Paid per chore?  Given no money at all?  It’s a complicated matrix, so I’m going to start simply: How to add a chore to your child’s routine.

First of all, it’s important to mention why chores are necessary.  Namely, they help kids learn how to do things around the house (duh), build a sense of responsibility, learn the work it takes to run a household, and help ease the parents’ workload so that they don’t feel like servants in their own home.  By 5 years old, kids are capable of doing many household tasks and are mature enough to grasp the concept of teamwork (as in, it takes the whole family working as a team to keep the household running).

So where to start when adding a new chore to your child’s routine?  Let’s take for example putting laundry away (see my post on Children & Clothing Battles for more on why it’s a good idea for kids to take responsibility for their clothes when they are young):

1. Give them some warning. No one likes to be surprised with new duties, and your kids are no exception.  A day or two before the new chore is to begin, let them know your expectations.  “Jamie, you’re old enough now to put your own clothes away after I fold them.  This week after I finish the laundry you will be responsible for putting your clean clothes away.”

2. Use on the job training. Putting laundry away can be a daunting task for a 5 year old.  When you are first adding the chore, consider doing it as a team, and/or help break up the job into small parts.  “Rosie, you put your socks in the sock drawer while I put your t-shirts on the shelf.”

3.  Play it cool. As in many other situations, your children will take their cues from you when it comes to their emotional reaction and their new chore.  If you are angry, too forceful, or overly authoritative in communicating the task to them, they will likely be angry and defensive in return.  If instead you are easy-going, matter of fact, and don’t dwell too long on the new job, you will likely find your kids more willing to comply.

4.  Don’t expect perfection. If you ask your child to put away their own clothes, they are not going to look perfect, so you might as well give up that expectation now.  What you can expect is for it to be in a timely manner, and with relative (according to age) accuracy.  With this in mind, resist the urge to correct their work or re-arrange their clothes (especially in front of them).

5.  Offer appreciation. Whether it’s in the form of a quarter, a dollar, or simply a thank you, don’t forget to let your child know how much you appreciate their pitching in.

6.  A family effort. If you encounter resistance, trying making the chore a family affair.  “Hunter, in 15 minutes we are all going to put our laundry away.  You, Jenny, Dad, and me are all going to work at the same time until we are finished.”

Good luck adding chores in your family!  Stayed tuned for my next post on negotiating an allowance!

Photo by: Don Nunn

 

How Daycare Can Help Children with Depressed Moms

In my recent post about moms criticizing other moms, I wrote briefly about the new study finding that daycare helps kids with depressed moms.  To read more about my thoughts on why this might be the case and how else we can support moms (and all caregivers) with depression please click over to Your Mind. Your Body. This is the blog of the American Psychological Association for which I also write (though not as regularly as I write here).  Let me know your thoughts!

The Glee Project

Have you been watching The Glee Project this summer on Oxygen?  If not, you are missing out!  The premise of the show is that they are looking for a new character for the real Glee.  The format is sort of like American Idol, except the contestants have to sing, dance, and act.  It’s a great fill-in for those of us who are missing new Glee episodes over the summer, and it is also fun to get a peek behind the scenes of how Glee works.

Photo by: The Glee Project on Oxygen

Photo by: The Glee Project on Oxygen

I was particularly impressed with last week’s episode of The Glee Project.  The contestants were challenged to show their vulnerable side.  The directors didn’t just settle for the kids making sad faces, either.  They had the contestants name, then wear in public (in the form of a painted sign on their chest), their biggest vulnerability.  What could have been hokey was actually pretty moving.  But the thing I liked most was painted on the back of their signs: “U R Not Alone.”

Photo by: The Glee Project on Oxygen

Glee is a pretty darn entertaining show, but the good they have done in helping kids and young adults understand that they are not alone in their struggles is inspiring.  I’m so glad that the show is continuing its good work over the summer.  Goodness knows there are kids who need it.

Know someone who needs help now? Check out the Boys Town National Hotline.  Parents and teens (both boys and girls!) can call 1-800-448-3000 to be connected with counselors and other resources.

Depressed Moms, Daycare, and Mom-Bashing.

Have you seen the buzz about the recent study finding that childcare might help protect the kids of depressed moms from later psychological and behavioral problems?  It’s all over the internet, including on blogs like CNN’s The Chart and the American Psychological Association’s Your Mind. Your Body. (disclaimer: that one was written by me).  If you want to read more about the study and its important findings please read the original article in the journal Pediatrics, or one of those blogs.  If you want to read about where one conversation about the study took me, then read on.

A girlfriend and I started out talking about the study, and ended up discussing why moms hate each other.  Oh sure, there are some moms who feel genuine love and support for one another, but there are many out there who really dislike one another, too.  And along with the dislike comes a host of other feelings, including: jealousy, contempt, and resentment.

How could a conversation about depressed moms lead to one about mom-bashing?  Because as soon as I see the word “childcare” – I know there will be a fight coming soon.

Childcare is great!

Childcare is awful!

Childcare is dangerous!

Childcare saved my children!

The comments are endless.  Why do we presume to know how how other moms should raise their children – and worse – actually say it out loud?  If we really cared for the other moms around us, wouldn’t we support them in their decisions, rally around them when they struggled, and hold our tongues when others started to gossip?  I contend that truly supporting moms around us would be another great way to assist the kids of depressed and happy moms alike.

So what can we do to turn this culture of mom-bashing around?  How can we be more supportive of one another?  Stop talking about each other. Quit gossiping, putting down, second guessing, and under-cutting the moms around you.  If you hear others do it, walk away.  If you read a blog post with nasty comments, close the page.  Whatever you have to do to stay positive and supportive of the other moms out there – and yourself in return – it’s worth it.

Want to read more thoughts on how to assist all kinds of moms and caregivers?  Check out my post on Your Mind. Your Body.

Preparing Siblings for a New Baby

A few months back I was interviewed for this story in Parenting Magazine.  The article – Preparing for New Siblings – is in the current issue of Parenting Magazine.  You can also find it on-line here:I think the article turned out nicely, but I want to add another tip.  That is: if you want your kids to be cool with a new sibling, be cool yourself.  By that I mean, try to manage your own anxiety/worries/fears in healthy ways so that they don’t rub off on your older kids.  If you are feeling frantic and uneasy about how your kids will get along with the new babe, you can be sure that your older (and younger!) kids will pick up on it.  If you are confident and easy going, your kids will be more likely to adopt that stance too.  Good luck and enjoy your growing family!

Summer Blues

Last week I posted about how to enjoy summer to the fullest.  But this week I have been reminded that summer doesn’t mean happiness and long, carefree days for everyone.  For some, summertime is no picnic at all.  We are all familiar with the “winter blues,” or more seriously, Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).  SAD is a disorder that affects people’s mood in the fall or wintertime as the number of hours of daylight decreases.  Folks who suffer from SAD report feelings of depression, lack of motivation, and changed sleeping patterns – among other things.  They also report that their symptoms go away in the spring and summer months as the sunshine returns.

But is there such a thing as summertime SAD?  Perhaps not for the same reason (lack of sunshine), but folks can become depressed summer after summer just the same.  Why might someone get depressed in the season we know we are “supposed to be happy”?

  • Health problems. For some people, summertime brings a host of unwelcome health problems.  Think seasonal allergies and aggravated asthma.  Those with fair skin and/or a history of skin cancer might find themselves hiding from the sun – and thus much of the fun – of summer.
  • Change in routine. For seasonal workers or parents with school age children, summertime can bring a change in schedule that is not always welcomed or easy.  While we see families in movies having memorable summer vacations and trips to the local pool, for those who are unemployed, working extra-long hours, or are at home with challenging children, these images can be hard to take.
  • Painful memories. Not everyone has wonderful summer memories in which to indulge while sipping ice tea on the front porch.  For some, summer may bring up memories of a death of a loved one, a painful divorce, or an unexpected layoff.

These are just a few of the many possible reasons summertime might not be all fun and games.  Whatever the reason, it is important to recognize that assistance is available for those who suffer from depression, low mood, or “just not feeling right” during this time of year.  Don’t know where to start?  Try the American Psychological Association’s Psychologist Locator, contact your primary care physician for a referral to a mental health professional, or call your insurance company for a list of psychologists in your area.

Photo by: Swissrolli

Mom Admits to “Never Liking” Her Daughter

Did you see the Today Show’s story this morning on the woman who admitted not liking her child?  She wasn’t talking about not liking her for one particularly rough afternoon or weekend full of naughtiness – but years of dislike.  This mom’s story also appeared in a recent Redbook Magazine article.  I encourage you to read/watch the story – it’s fascinating.  And, perhaps surprisingly, not all that uncommon.

I have known several moms (and a few dads) over the years who have simply not liked their children.  As the experts on the Today Show point out, this can be caused by a number of factors:

  • Disappointment that our child is not more like us, or more like what they thought they would be
  • Resentment/frustration over the immense pressures and responsibilities of parenthood
  • The child or parent may have a mental or physical disorder which makes it difficult to relate, bond, or connect with others

I have also seen what I term simply a bad “fit.”  Sometimes parents and children are so different that they struggle to get along.  Often this is a long, on-going process that takes place over the course of many years.  Sometimes it never resolves and the parents and child drift apart, or possibly even lose touch as the child becomes an adult.  Sometimes I see parents work to find some way to make the relationship meaningful, or find some piece of common ground – even if it is very small.

Regardless of the reason, if a mom or dad find themselves disliking their child for any extended period of time (say more than a couple weeks) it is likely time to get some help.  Talking to other, supportive parents, consulting your pediatrician, or contacting a psychologist are all good bets.  Parenting is a tough road for everyone at times, and there is no need to go it alone.

Photo by: Noise64

 

Summer Lovin’

3 Comments

Seems like everywhere I turn these days I am seeing stories about how much parents dread summer.  Stories like this one on Today.com are talking about how parents are dreading comments like: “I’m soooooo bored” and “My life’s soooooo lame.”  These stories make me sad because I love summer.  It makes me sad that mine is not a sentiment felt by all.  Admittedly, the change to a summertime pace can take some getting used to – I usually count on at least a week of adjustment time. Here are some tips for making the adjustment time as short and painless as possible:

  • It’s not a free for all. We all do best with some structure in our lives and kids are certainly no exception.  I’m all for free time and the creativity it breeds, but some structure is essential.  For example, maintain a reasonable bedtime and/or insist on “quiet time” for 30-60 minutes after lunch for family members of all ages.  Spend 30 minutes in the morning practicing math, reading a book, or writing in a journal with your kids.  Take a popsicle break everyday at 4.
  • Challenge your comfort zone. Many kids are great at challenging themselves physically.  They try out bike ramps, skateboard jumps, and high diving boards.  Take a cue from the kids and challenge your limits while you’re out and about with your kids.  Let them talk you into going down the big water slide, playing tennis together, or going white water rafting.  My bet is these will be some of the best memories of the season.
  • Put down the phone/ipad/laptop. You’ve seen them: parents so absorbed in their technology of choice that they ignore their kids.  I admit that I have been guilty of doing this myself, so I know that many of us can use the reminder to turn off the technology and tune into our kids.  Believe me, your kids will notice and appreciate your extra minutes of time and attention.

Have a great summer!

Getting Your Kids to (Really) Talk to You

I am in the midst of a new-found Oprah obsession.  Sure I’ve watched her shows in years past, but the last couple of months I have been enthralled.  Yesterday (May 19th) was no exception.  In addition to other guests, she interviewed a brother and sister whose mother had left their family.  Working with them was psychotherapist, M. Gary Neuman.  I have to admit that sometimes when I see therapists on television I hear “blah, blah, blah” (is this what people hear during my media interviews? Hmmm…).  Anyway, Mr. Neuman was great!  In particular, he had one piece of advice that was particularly poignant.  That is (and I’m paraphrasing):

If you really want your kids to talk to you, you have to do more than say ‘Let me know if you want to talk’ or ‘You can come to me if you have any problems.’

He is so right!  So many of us think we are opening the door to our kids’ conversations by making these statements, but in fact it takes much more to actually get them to open up.  Mr. Neuman suggested we actually bring up the topics we want our kids to talk about.  Here are some examples:

  • “Johnny I saw on the news that a lot of kids drink alcohol at after prom parties.  What are your plans after prom?”
  • “Sophie, I don’t know if you and Tucker are sexually intimate, but I thought we could talk about birth control options for girls your age.”
  • “Henry, I remember when I was about to graduate from high school I felt so nervous about college and the changes it would bring.  I wonder if you’ve felt nervous about next year at all?”
  • “Ellie, I was watching American Idol last night and one of the contestants talked about her parents divorce and how it still makes her sad.  I was wondering how our family’s divorce affects you?”

Mr. Neuman went on to note that we, as parents, need to bring these topics up to our kids time and time again.  By doing so we create a safe, accepting environment for them to talk about concerns – big and small.  Brilliant, Mr. Neuman!  Thanks for the reminder that we need to be active participants in communicating with our kids.

Photo by: George Burns/Harpo Studios