Have you read my post A Parent’s Guide to Surviving Sleepovers? Ready to start planning the party? Before the party-goers arrive, read my follow-up post on the American Psychological Association’s blog, Your Mind. Your Body: A Kid’s Guide to Surviving Sleepovers!
Category: Parenting
A Parent’s Guide to Sleepover Success
Cupcakes...the perfect sleepover food
Oh, the sleepover: yearned for by some, dreaded by many, right of passage for (almost) all. When a friend emailed me this article from the New York Times a couple of weeks ago, the memories came flooding back. Late night nacho-making, Ouija board games, sneaking out of basements – it all came back in a rush of Bonne Bell-scented emotion.
I thought the New York Times article was great in that it highlighted many of the serious issues parents need to be aware of when allowing their child to attend a sleepover (“or its cousin the slumber party†– I love that line). Dr. Perri Klass (the author) wrote about safety concerns, mental health and medication considerations, and basic sleep issues that must be considered before sending your little dear off with only a toothbrush and a sleeping bag.
But as I got reminiscing about my sleepover days of yore (God help me if I ever have to sleep on someone’s floor again) I thought about some other issues that are important to consider as well. Namely, how does a parent prepare to have a successful sleepover/slumber party at their house?
Here’s my Parent’s Guide to Sleepover Success (to read the version for kids, click here):
- Keep the numbers small. Forget the “your guest list can equal the age you’re turning†– it’s just too many. 13 screaming 13 year olds will turn even the most patient parent into a screaming maniac. If you haven’t hosted a sleepover before, start small (like 1-2 invitees) and go up from there.
- Have plenty of activities. I’m not talking about making teenage boys play pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey, but have a few back-up activities. Mani/Pedi’s, re-runs of memorable sports moments, cupcake decorating, build your own pizza, large-scale scavenger hunts – the sky’s the limit. Besides, you know what they say about idle hands…
- Keep the food under control. One of the best parts of sleepovers is the food. It’s sweet, it’s salty, and it’s there all night. All good things must come to an end, however, and it’s much better that it’s you saying enough is enough, rather than upset stomachs ruining the event. So have fun with food, but pack it away at a reasonable hour.
- Set clear expectations. Talk with your party boy (or girl) well before the event so that you both have clear expectations. For example, how will you deal with partygoers who:
need to go home because of illness or homesickness
sneak out or do other dangerous things
get into fights/bullying situations
Don’t hesitate in having clear and firm expectations, rules, and guidelines – you are the boss after all.
- Who’s manning the event? When I was growing up, my dad just happened to have a “business trip†whenever a sleepover came around. This memory brings up an important point: Who’s going to be home for the party? Parents? Siblings? Grandparents? Each person can add a new dynamic to the group, so it’s important to be thoughtful when determining who will be around.
- The day after. Are there any among us who don’t remember the sleepover-hangover? I’m not talking about anything related to alcohol here, but everything related to lack of sleep. Consider instituting a rule in your home something like this:
Sleepover at night = mandatory nap the next day
This can include participants and chaperones – everyone will need it!
Dr. Klass concluded her article by noting that since the 1980’s, sleepovers have become more of a right than a privilege. This may be true, but as the parent you can still keep the party from becoming a free-for-all while doing your best to ensure that everyone has fun!
Ready to plan the best sleepover ever? Make sure to have your kids read A Kids Guide to Sleepover Success before the invitations go out!
Making the Most of Dinnertime
Dinnertime provides some of the best teaching opportunities. Setting the table correctly, chewing with your mouth closed, and always passing the salt and pepper together are important things for kids (and adults!) to know. But, as a psychologist who works with lots of families and children, I think the lessons available to be learned at dinnertime can be much greater and more meaningful than simple, Emily Post-like etiquette.
Communication. When all is said and done, I’m not sure there are many more important skills in life than being able to communicate effectively with others. Speaking clearly and honestly, listening attentively, not interrupting, asking – and answering – questions in succinct, but interesting ways – these are some of the most important things in life. So why not use dinnertime as the ultimate communication training ground for your family? Some tips:
- Everyone talks. Good manners dictate that everyone should have an opportunity to speak – not just the loudest, oldest, youngest, or funniest among us. Encourage each member of your family to share something about their day or a cool story they heard on the news.
- Everyone listens. Sure dad’s tales from the office might be boring to the kids, but you know what? Listening attentively when someone is talking = good manners. While talking about age-appropriate things at the dinner table is important, avoid “dumbing down†all conversations for the sake of the kids. Learning to listen to other people’s stories in a polite way is an important lesson of childhood.
Responsibility. There is a lot of work that goes into preparing dinner, and it’s important that all family members know it. Earning money to buy the food, going to the grocery store, preparing the meal, cleaning up afterwords – meals are seriously time and energy consuming! Take this opportunity to instruct your kids about each family member’s responsibilities in the home. Some tips:
- Review the process. Sometimes we as parents forget to include kids in the business of running a household. While they don’t need to know the intricacies of the budget, it is important that they know the relationship between work, money, and food. Food isn’t free, and meals don’t prepare themselves (even when they come from the drive-thru!). Talk to your kids about where their food comes from, how you decide what to buy at the store, and where you learned to make the dishes you prepare. They might be more interested than you think!
- Give them a job. Everyone should have a job around mealtime. Whether it’s planning the meals, preparing the food, setting the table, or cleaning up afterwords, everyone can pitch in. Use this opportunity to help your kids learn about managing household tasks. Dinnertime is the perfect time to encourage your family to work as a team.
Relax. Life moves fast. So fast that many of us feel we need to be “plugged-in†all day long. How many hours (or minutes?) of the day do we really spend without some form of technology buzzing in the background? If you’re like me – not many. Yet we all know that taking time to relax, unwind, and unplug are important parts of maintaining health. So in addition to using dinnertime as a time to feed ourselves, teach positive communication and responsibility – why not use it as a technology-free zone too? Some tips:
- Turn it off. I’m talking the TV, the computers, the radio, and yes, even your phones. Use the 15-30 minutes you spend at the dinner table to connect in a real, live, face-to-face way with your family. It might be a struggle at first, but I promise it will get easier with practice. And don’t forget: If you expect your kids to ignore the calls and the texts at the table – that means you need to, too!
- Slow it down. Someone recently told me that in generations past, parents used to chat after dinner while sipping on coffee. I laughed out loud! There’s no way I would have time to do that – and certainly no way my kids would let me get away with it! But as I thought more, it occurred to me how nice it would be to linger over dinner, rather than shove down my food, then immediately move onto the next task. While it may not be realistic in this day and age to sip a latte until 9pm, perhaps we can remember to slow down, taste and appreciate our food, and – most importantly – take time to enjoy our loved ones around the table.
Not sure where to start in making the most of dinnertime with your family? Try picking one of the above tips and giving it a try for a week – see if it makes a difference. And ask your kids what they think – they will surely have some ideas of their own about how to make dinnertime memorable.
I wrote this blog post while participating in the SocialMoms and Kraft Homestyle Macaroni and Cheese blogging program, for a gift card worth $50. For more information on how you can participate, click here.
Give Valentine’s Day A New Meaning
The countdown has begun…just 3 more days until Valentine’s Day. I’m not sure there is any more dreaded or maligned holiday than this one. But in the spirit of coping with the winter blahs, I have a challenge: Give Valentine’s Day a New Meaning.
Instead of making Valentine’s Day about ooey-gooey, super-sappy, over-the-top romance – why not make it about love and friendship towards everyone in your life? Sort of like a wintertime Thanksgiving – except that instead of turkey we have chocolate. And instead of orange, brown, and green the colors are pink, white, and red. And instead of Native Americans and pilgrims, we have…ummmm…more chocolate!
Need some ideas of how to give Valentine’s Day a new meaning to you and your family? 
Make and send cards. Crafting cards of love and friendship is a great way to spend cold winter nights. Break out the glitter, jewels, felt, and stickers and have fun sending your love through the mail. Don’t forget to make cards for your kids, your neighbors, your co-workers, your kids’ teachers, etc. Who wouldn’t appreciate a little bit of love next week?
Restaurant night. Instead of going out for dinner with your partner, why not have a restaurant night at home with the whole gang? Include the kids in a “fancy” dinner including candles, yummy food, placemats, and flowers. Show your kids that Valentine’s Day can be celebrated as a family – and isn’t just for lovers.
Decorate the house. This winter has been a tough one and it’s not even close to over. So why not brighten up the joint with some hearts, flowers, and other Valentine’s Day decor? Brightening up your home will surely help lift a weary winter heart.
Serious stuff. In addition to the fun things above, why not use this time of year to talk to your kids about all-things-love? Is it time to start talking to your children about dating and/or sex? What do you want to teach your kids about how to behave in relationships? What sorts of lessons are you teaching your children about romantic love through your own behaviors? Try using TV shows, movies, videos, and songs as a springboard for these conversations. Here’s a start: Cee Lo Green’s “Forget You.” Lots to talk about here: What should you do for love, how do you manage heartbreak, how do you treat a past love, how do you know who’s right for you – the possibilities are endless. Have fun!
A Little Girl’s (and a Mom’s) Broken Heart
My heart was broken the other day. No, not broken – more like ripped from my chest thrown around, stomped on, and then smashed. You see, my daughter’s heart was broken and watching her pain was almost more than I could stand.
It was one of those friend things. One of those “I was the only one who didn’t get invited,†“No one picked me to be on their team,†“She said she’d play with me but then played with Sally instead†sort of heartbreaks. We’ve all been there and it’s awful. But it’s worse when you watch it as the mom.
It’s worse because I should have prevented it – or wished I could have anyway. I should have protected her, kept a closer eye on the company she was keeping, or taught her to shrug off this kind of slight (as if that’s possible). It’s worse because not only am I watching her cry and hurt, but because I know it won’t be the last time she feels this way. There will be sleepovers she’s not included in, dances she doesn’t have a date to, friends for whom she can never measure up. And it’s worse because it reminds me of all my own heartbreaks over the same things.
So we cried together and hugged and loved, and tried to make the best of the day. What else is there to do other than to show her that pain happens, and that we move ahead – maybe a little stronger, or tougher, or more wary – and that her mom will always be there to comfort her when she’s hurt again.
A Little Rant on Homework
I hear it all the time:
“Trying to get my son/daughter to do his/her homework every night is DRIVING ME CRAZY!” 
And I totally get it. Though my kids are pretty young, the bit of work they do bring home can bring them (and me) to tears.
My question is why? WHY? Why do they need homework? And why do we as parents need to tie ourselves up in knots trying to get it done?
As I was thinking about writing this post, I started adding up all the things we as parents and kids “need” to do to stay “healthy” according to the experts (like, um….me). And in thinking about all the advice I have heard (and given) about raising healthy kids, I have put together a little bit of a schedule of what might be a typical day for a “healthy” kid.
3:30: Get out of school
3:35-3:50: Transport home from school. This might the bus, a scooter, or a mini-van.
3:50-4:05: Snack time. No Cheetos and Coke for this kid. Sliced apples, peanut butter, and organic milk is a better bet.
4:05-4:10: Unload backpack. As so much paperwork and books come home each night, our healthy kid should use only a rolling backpack so as not to cause skeletal problems down the road. And all these papers take time to sort through and organize – with the help of a parent of course.
4:10-5:10: Physical Activity. As many schools have either cut out or drastically decreased their physical education courses, kids now need to get their exercise during non-school hours. Whether it’s an organized sport or riding bikes around the block, experts tell us that kids need 60 minutes of vigorous play everyday to grow up to a healthy weight.
5:10-5:30: Bathe. With all that activity, our healthy kid needs to get clean!
5:30-6:15: Cook dinner. Healthy living doesn’t end with exercise, it also means eating a healthy diet. And experts tell us that one way to instill healthy eating habits in kids is by teaching them how to cook. So forget about going through the McDonald’s drive-in or throwing some hot dogs in the microwave – our healthy kid needs to learn how to cook healthy, from-scratch (preferably organic) meals. All this teaching might mean that dinner prep takes a little longer – but it’s worth it!
6:15-6:45: Eat together. We all know that eating dinner as a family is one of the best ways to encourage communication and family cohesion – family dinner time is also associated with better adjusted kids and teens. Definitely don’t want our healthy kid to skip this.
6:45-7:00: Be responsible. We all want responsible kids, and responsible kids have chores. Clearing the table, doing the dishes, feeding the dog. Our healthy kid needs to spend at least a few minutes each day helping keep the family and the house running smoothly.
7:00-8:00: Hobby time. One of the things I often encourage kids to do is be involved in something outside of school. Whether it’s Boy Scouts, church youth group, community theater, Lego club, or 4-H. We know that hobbies can be a great stress reliever. I also believe that spending time with kids who AREN’T part of a kid’s regular peer group (school friends) is important. Gone are the lines that separate the “popular kids” from the “nerds” when you mix children from lots of different schools – our healthy kid surely needs time for this.
8:00: Eek! Where did the time go? It’s 8:00 and our healthy kid hasn’t had a moment to relax and enjoy unstructured time – something the experts also warn us not to forego. And don’t forget that many American children (and adults) suffer from too-little sleep. So if your elementary school aged child needs to wake at 7:00am, then she should probably be going to bed around 8:00pm.
So where does homework fit in, in the life of a healthy child? My imaginary schedule just doesn’t leave room for it – and I think that is exactly the spot in which many families find themselves. With all the other things that we need to accomplish in the precious hours after school, is it really necessary, or productive, to spend more than a few minutes of it doing school work? And as many of you probably noticed, I made some assumptions in my schedule, namely: our healthy kid has at least one stay-at-home parent, no siblings with their own crazy schedules, and not much time is spent driving from one activity to the next – further issues that complicate many families’ lives.
What am I missing? Where and how does homework fit into a healthy lifestyle? And what does doing hours of homework each week accomplish?
The Winter Blahs: Grow Something
Paperwhites...a touch of spring in January
For all us gardeners and flower-lovers, winter can sometimes feel like just one big wait until growing season starts again. Even for those who don’t like to get their hands in the dirt, winter can start to feel awfully gray and bleak. A good remedy? Grow something inside. Whether it’s a Chia-Pet, kitchen herbs, or forced bulbs, it is possible to enjoy the new life and bright green of young plants in the winter! And they’re not just pretty, flowers can help us in lots of ways, including:
They boost our mood. A study by Dr. Nancy Etcoff and Harvard Medical School found that cut flowers in the home not only helped boost people’s mood and decrease their worries, their presence was also associated with higher levels of energy and enthusiasm. How cool is that?
They teach responsibility. Whether it’s our own responsibility that needs improving – or our kids’ - taking care of a flower can be a great way to get started. They’re not as tough as a pet, but flowers do require regular watering and plenty of sunshine. Have a kid who needs to learn to take care of things? Flowers can be a super way to start.
They teach patience. As anyone who has ever grown anything from a bulb or a seed knows – gardening is not about instant gratification. It’s about waiting patiently, and maintaining hope that your efforts will pay off. Just the things we try to keep in mind when saving for retirement, training for a 5K, or encouraging our children to practice the piano. In my opinion, there are few lessons more needed in this fast-paced, instant-gratification culture than that of patience and hope.
The Winter Blahs: Ice Skating
Welcome to activity idea #1 for my new series, The Winter Blahs! Instead of fighting the cold for this one, I thought I should try joining it. This weekend I went ice skating with a group of families and I have to admit that it was a lot of fun. The rink was tiny, the skates uncomfortable, the temperature frigid – but I still enjoyed myself. As I watched the skaters (of all ages) go round and round, I realized I was smack in the middle of a great teaching opportunity. What better way to teach our children (and ourselves) about life than on a cold, hard, circular rink?
You’re going to fall. It didn’t matter the skill level of the skater, I think I saw everyone fall at least once. And you know what they all did afterwords? Get up. A few us might have been a little embarrassed, a little sore, and maybe even cried a few tears – but none of us stayed down for long. We got up, shook it off, and started going around again. I know I will be reminding my kids (and myself) of our resiliency on the ice rink when we stumble in other situations going forward.
If you don’t try, you don’t have fun. As I’ve said before, I am an anti-perfectionist. And I encourage others to be as well. Ice skating can be a great lesson that joining in the activity is where the fun is. It’s not in being the best, or being perfect. Ice skating is one of those great activities where perfection is absolutely unattainable!
Complaining isn’t cool. I watched a few of the kids in my group start to complain about the cold, or the wet, or the difficulty of the activity. But you know what? The other kids didn’t pay attention. They simply got their skates on and proceeded to fall, laugh, and chase each other. You know what happened to the complainers back on the bench? They figured out that they were missing the fun, stopped their negative comments, and joined the party. Now who among us couldn’t use that lesson?
Craft Time: Good for Our Mental Health
Whether it’s at preschool, elementary school, home, girl scouts, or even in the psychologist’s office – I have found that almost all kids love crafts. Even tough 12-year-old boys can usually be talked into making a collage out of sports magazines or decorating a poster for their rooms.
But sometimes I wonder what kids really get out of arts and crafts. Is it really worth it to lug out all those craft supplies and then (ugh) put them all back? And what about the psychological effects of crafting – is it something I should be including in my professional work? And what about for us adults? Should one of our New Year’s resolutions be to spend more time at the easel (or sewing machine, or potter’s wheel, or table saw)?
Below are some thoughts about the benefits of participating in arts and crafts…and I hope to hear your thoughts on some I am sure I have missed.
It’s creative. Ok, so this is a no-brainer. But I think it is important to remember that kids (and adults too) don’t have much time to be fully creative in their everyday lives. Math problems, gym class, homework assignments, chores at home – most of these things need to be done in a certain way. But art is something different. When presented in an open-ended way, kids are free to do/create/design whatever they please.
It’s messy. An important part of learning and development includes experiencing different sensations in a tactile way. Squishy, sticky, pokey, fuzzy. Craft supplies can provide kids with opportunities to feel all these sensations. In addition, arts and crafts time allows us to get some paint on our hands and glue under our nails. Most kids enjoy creating a mess – and teaching them to help clean up afterwords is an important benefit too.
It’s not about perfection. I am an anti-perfectionist. And I encourage others around me to forego perfectionism as well. Kids and adults who hold themselves to such high standards often struggle to enjoy life, try new things, and be tolerant of others. Crafts can be a wonderful way to help kids get used to the idea of enjoying the creative process, instead of getting hung up on a perfect end result.
It’s a good way to get talking. If you’ve ever been part of a quilting bee, a sewing circle, or any kind of craft group you know 
that the main purpose of the group is often not the craft, but the conversations that happen in between. When our hands and eyes are busy creating, it often makes it easier for us to talk about tough things. Having trouble getting your tween to open up? Teenager not talking like she used to? Try doing a craft together and see what happens.
Need some ideas about where to start in the crafting world? Check out Family Fun Magazine, take a class at Michael’s; or for older kids and grown-ups check out Made (one of my favorite blogs), or V and Co.
Getting Organized…for Good
Guest Post: Written by Kelly Moore, owner Moore Efficiency Solutions Denver, CO.
Getting organized in the New Year is on many of our minds as we plan our resolutions. We make ambitious plans to “stay on top of things†so that we can stress less and accomplish more. Yet the resolution to finally “get organized†can be full of pitfalls and setbacks. If becoming more organized is on your list of resolutions this year, check out these tips:
Begin the Battle.  One of the biggest barriers to becoming organized hits many of us right off the bat: “Where in the world to start?â€Â The garage? The attic? The kitchen? The office? The answer? Start where it will have the most impact for you on a day-to-day basis. This will keep you motivated and energized to tackle more organizing projects as you reap the benefits of your hard work. Consider where you spend a significant amount of time. For many of us it is likely a location such as the kitchen, your office, or a family room.
Maintain Your Focus.  Managing your time while working on an organizing project can be tricky. Have you ever set out to organize your home office, say, only to look up at the clock an hour later because you got distracted looking at your old high school yearbook? Sometimes good intentions quickly evaporate as we become distracted during the organizing process. Try this trick: Set an egg timer for 10 minutes. Begin your organizing task, and when it goes off ask yourself, “Am I still doing what I need to be doing or do I need to re-focus?â€
Don’t Go it Alone. One reason organizing on your own can be overwhelming is because you can lose perspective on the things that are and aren’t important. If you are someone who tends to hang onto things “just in case,†consider asking a friend or hiring a professional organizer to help you wade through your possessions. Someone without an emotional attachment to your things can help you make decisions about what you really should keep and what’s just taking up space. It might be hard to believe, but you probably won’t miss that 80’s cocktail dress in your closet that’s 2 sizes too small.
Go Easy on Yourself (and Your Kids…and Your Spouse). What can ruin your feeling of organizing accomplishments faster than anything else? Walking into a recently organized space only to find that your kids (or spouse) have foiled your efforts! Before you say or do something you regret, remember organization is not a going to happen overnight. It is a lifestyle that takes time to become habit. Communicate and reinforce your expectations to your family. If you expect your kids to hang their coat and backpack in the entryway, be sure to do it yourself and be prepared to remind them when they forget. If you want to be organized in the long haul, be patient with yourself and your kids – good habits take lots of practice.
Kelly Moore, owner - Moore Efficiency Solutions