Category: Parenting

Creative Goal Setting for 2011

4 Comments

Today may be January 1st, but since Monday is still a couple of days away, we get a few more days to set our goals before we really have to start working on them – a little New Year’s bonus! Just as I proclaimed gratitude for 99-cent coffee, felt, and Taylor Swift on Thanksgiving, today I’m thinking of real-life, practical, creative,  and do-able goals for 2011:

Remembering roller skating (unfortunately without the skirt and leg-warmers)

Remember past passions. I’m not talking about your high school crush here, but activities we used to love and have forgotten.  Knitting, dancing, photography, roller skating, snowboarding.  What have you stopped doing because life has gotten too busy?  Because you’ve gotten too “old”?  Because money’s too tight?  When I stop and think about it, there are quite a few old passions I have let go stale.  In 2011 I will remember these old flames and give them a chance to ignite my interest once again.

Make my heart race. I have a theory: one of the keys to happiness is pushing ourselves to do things that make us nervous – and succeeding in doing them!  And not just a little nervous, but real heart-pounding, palm-sweating experiences.  These heart-racing activities need not be dangerous, but simply challenging to us.  Taking a rock climbing class, joining Toastmasters, doing a live radio interview, or signing up for a half-marathon in June – what will get your heart thumping this year?

Quit trying so hard. In looking for others’ creative resolutions, I landed on one of my favorite blogs, Young House Love.  I was particularly impressed with Resolution #4 for 2011: “Take the people pleasing thing down a notch.“  Isn’t this something with which so many of us struggle?  Trying to be everything to everyone?  Rarely saying no?  Compromising ourselves to make things easier for others?  Sound familiar?  To quote Young House Love:

“…this Bill Cosby gem is our new mantra: ‘I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.’ Here’s hoping we can trust ourselves to share our lives in a way that feels the most authentic & exciting to us.”

Keep track. I’m pretty sure I read over 100 books last year.  The bummer is, I didn’t keep track so I don’t know for sure.  This year I am committing to log everything I read (and maybe even jotting down a couple of notes) so that never again do I start reading a new library book only to discover it is something I’ve already read.

First book of 2011

 

Is there something you could keep better track of?  Recipes you’ve tried?  Movies you’ve seen?

Stay tuned later this week for more tips about how to keep track of things and get organized (once and for all!) in 2011.

 

You’re Driving Me Crazy – Surviving the Holiday Week

Oh, the post-Christmas doldrums.  The holiday preparations are over, the gifts are unwrapped, the cookies are all eaten.  And all that’s left for us are a stack of thank-you notes to write, dusty decorations to pack away, and a whole week left of family togetherness until school/work starts again.

Oh, the dreams we had earlier in the month about spending quality time with our kids, our spouses, our extended families.  We would sled out back, sip hot cocoa, and make lots of warm, happy memories to cherish. But the reality of so much togetherness can be very different from our eggnog-induced fantasies.  As our kids develop cabin fever and start climbing the walls, our stress levels can go through the roof.  Our spouses encroach on our space and it starts to feel as though every room in the house is shrinking.  It’s enough to make someone run screaming into the nearest snow drift!

So what can be done to head off this end-of-year family overload?

Keep up your normal routine. Like to take a walk every morning? Have a cup of tea at 3?  Have lunch with your mom on Wednesdays?  Just because schedules are wacky this week, it doesn’t mean you have to stop doing the things that help you stay sane.

Get healthy. A sure-fire way to get myself feeling irritable is to eat crappy food and forgo exercise.  Unfortunately, it is particularly difficult during this week to eat right, drink water, and get lots of fresh air.  Those holiday leftovers just call my name so loud!  But really, why wait until January 1st to start treating your body right? Pitch the cookies and try a clementine instead.

Appreciate life. Remember a couple of weeks ago when we were looking forward to this week? No homework to prepare, no deadlines to meet, and lots of visits with family and friends to look forward to.  Instead of wishing this week away, try appreciating the change of pace – if for no other reason than to realize how nice your normal school/work schedule really is.

Teaching Our Kids Gratitude, One Birthday at a Time

 

The Gift Wagon

I was hanging out at a kid’s birthday party recently (yes, I do a lot of that and yes, they provide me with lots of blog material) when I spotted the above:  The Gift Wagon.  Literally a wagon with a handle and wheels about 3 feet wide by 3 feet tall.  As I tried surreptitiously to take a photo of the wagon, I thought about the complaints so many of us have made about our ungrateful kids. And I started wondering: Might we as parents be contributing to our children’s ungrateful hearts when we:

  • Treat every birthday as if it were a major milestone, and hold celebrations the scope of which were once reserved for sweet 16 parties?
  • Expect the 15 invitees to our 5 year old’s party to bring enough large presents to fill the gift wagon?
  • Provide each invitee with a party favor that costs more than a sweater?

So what can be done? Is there a way to break out of this birthday party madness that will keep our children happy and help us teach them to be grateful even when we don’t rent out the nearest funplex for them and 20 of their closest friends? Yes! I have seen quite a few families do some pretty creative things with birthdays, including:

  • Host birthday parties for their kids only every other or every third year.  On the off years have a small celebration with family.
  • In lieu of gifts, ask each invitee to bring a book and have a book exchange where each child goes home with a new book.
  • Ask invitees to bring a donation to a designated charity instead of a gift.
  • Host a “party” where the kids volunteer together for a charity (cleaning the animal shelter, serving at a soup kitchen, sorting cans at a food bank)
  • Keep it small and simple.  There’s nothing wrong with a good, old-fashioned, backyard party with cake and ice cream.  No clowns, no bouncy houses, no portable petting zoos.  You might be surprised at how well the kids can entertain themselves.

Have you had luck keeping your kids grateful? What did you do (or not do)?

 

Creative Gratitude

1 Comment

‘Tis the season of gratitude.  And thanks to Oprah (among others) we know that we should be grateful for the wonderful things, people, and resources in our lives.  Of course we are thankful for our friends, our health, our jobs, our children, parents, partners, and neighbors.  We give thanks to our kids’ teachers, their care providers, and even our mail delivery people – and we should feel grateful for these people!  But if you are feeling a little stale this holiday season and need a jumpstart for your gratitude, you’re in the right spot.  I am dedicating the next couple of days to being thankful for the things that make life fun:

Felt.  Felt is my new art medium of choice.  It’s cheap (4 pieces for $1), it’s versatile, and the colors make me happy.  The other cool thing about felt is that you need not be “crafty” to have fun with it – it’s very forgiving.  Some recent felt projects:

Felt Fall Garland

 

Felt Pillow

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Taylor Swift. I am loving listening to Taylor’s new album, “Speak Now.”  But just as much as her singable music, I am grateful for the role model she is to young girls.  Self-assured, enormously talented, vulnerable, and honest – we can’t ask for a better superstar for our girls to look up to.

Weddings. Weddings are beautiful.  I don’t care if it’s the wedding of a close relative, best girlfriend, or stranger – I never get sick of hearing about weddings.  And I must not be alone given the number of wedding-related shows on TV.  Lucky for all of us wedding aficionados, we are going to have lots to be grateful for next year thanks to Prince William and his Princess-to-be.

 

Pretty wedding feet

 

 

Good Photography. I’m not a good photographer, but I sure appreciate people who are.  I never tire of looking at photographs: old ones, new ones, ones with people, ones with animals – it doesn’t matter.  I’m grateful that I have friends who are awesome photographers, and thankful that I have a camera of my own.

Cherry Chapstick. Even before Katy Perry sang about kissing a girl with Cherry Chapstick (and liking it), I have been a fan myself.  I have a stick in every room in my house, in my car, in my purse, and in my office.  It smells good, works great, and makes the cold winters a little more bearable.

 

mmmmm...cherry chapstick

What are you grateful for?

 

 

 

 

 

Why I Let My Kids Watch Glee

2 Comments

As you may already know, I love the TV show Glee.  I have written several posts on it previously, including a post about why everybody should be tuning in on Tuesday nights.  But when I wrote that post, I was thinking more about adults than kids.  As this season has gone on, I have become more convinced that it is an excellent family show as well.  It is a hotly debated topic – whether or not to let children watch the show – but I have reached my own verdict: It is just too good to let my kids pass up.

Last week’s episode was a great example of why the subject matter in Glee is so important for kids.  The characters tackled the tough issue of bullying.  In the story Kurt, a young, gay, male character struggles with constant and prolonged bullying from a classmate.  He tries several strategies to deal with the bully (ignoring him, confronting him, talking sensibly to him) with confusing, and not terribly effective results.  As painful and frustrating as it was to watch this storyline unfold, I found it reflective of real life.  When I talk to boys and girls in my practice about coping with bullying, their efforts frequently end the same way.  Sometimes they work for a bit, sometimes they make the bullying worse, but the suffering of the bullied remains a constant.

I also love to watch Glee with my kids because they are exposed to different lifestyles (gay, straight, questioning), different religious beliefs (Christian, Jewish, atheist), different styles of dress and demeanor (nerd, jock, butch, cheerleader), and different levels of ability (wheelchair-bound, able-bodied, intellectually disabled).  And the best part is that these differences are not always the main focus of the show.  The various characters and their unique attributes are simply part of the greater storyline, song, or dance.  It makes McKinley High School a place we all might aspire to be.

Stress in America – Stress Tip #2 – Do Nothing But Eat

As I mentioned yesterday, I am marking yesterday’s American Psychological Association release of their annual Stress in America survey with a week’s worth of easy, free, and do-able stress management tips.  We all may be able to come up with excuses for not going to yoga, writing in a gratitude journal, or meditating for 30 minutes before we leave for work – but my tips are so super easy, that I dare you to come up with a legitimate excuse not to give at least a couple of them a try!

Today’s Tip:

Do nothing but eat. A naturopathic physician friend of mine told me a few years ago that when I eat a meal, I should do nothing but eat.  No watching TV, checking email, flipping through a magazine, paying bills,  or driving.  I must have looked at her like she was speaking another language – the concept seemed so radical to me!  But in thinking about it more over the years, it makes so much sense to actually give ourselves a few minutes a few times a day to sit down, enjoy our food, and relax before we start our next task.  Of course we know that sharing a meal and conversation with family and friends is great, too; but for those meals you eat alone – give it a try.  Do you notice a difference in your stress level? The amount you enjoy your meal? A change in the quantity of what you eat?

Stress in America 2010 – Stress Tip #1

1 Comment

The American Psychological Association released its annual Stress in America survey today.  There are lots of ways to look at the results but the long and short of it is that we Americans are stressed most of the time.  We’re worried about money, work, and how to support our families.  We’re suffering from chronic diseases that could be at least in part due to our high stress levels, and most certainly contribute to those high levels of stress.

The study finds that most of us know what we should be doing to manage our stress better, but often fall short in our goals to actually make those good behaviors happen.  Even though I spend a good part of each day helping people manage the stress and worries in their lives, I have yet to become an expert myself.  I can stress out, freak out, and lose it with the best of them.  But in the spirit of better mental health, I am going to spend the next 7 days offering up some easy, free, and completely do-able stress management tips – for all of us to try.

Tip #1

Breathe. There is a fantastic physician down the street from my office who tells all her patients to take 5 deep breaths 2 times per day.  I love this tip.  It is so easy, but amazingly effective.  Set your watch, computer, or phone to go off  a couple of times throughout the day, stop what you are doing and take 5 deep breaths.  When I teach kids to do this I tell them to pretend they are blowing on a dandelion that has gone to seed – use all your power and see how far you can make those seeds go!

Are You Ready to Have a Child on Facebook?

Previously I have written about how to determine whether your child is ready for Facebook.  But what about us parents? How do we know when we are ready to parent a “Facebooker”?  Determining if you are ready, as a parent, to shoulder the responsibility of having a child with a Facebook account is perhaps even more important than determining if your child is ready.  After all, it is up to us to set the rules, set the boundaries, and – most importantly – set a good example for our children.

How do you know if you are ready?

  • Be an expert yourself. It is absolutely imperative that before you allow your child to set up a Facebook (or any other social networking) account, you must understand the technology yourself.  In fact, I recommend that all parents with children on Facebook maintain their own page – and check it often.  Not sure how to begin, start here.
  • Don’t break the rules. Check out the rules for using Facebook including the minimum age requirement – it’s 13.  If your child is under 13 and wants a Facebook page of their own, don’t do it (see above point about setting a good example).  Instead, set up a page for your family that you all can maintain together.  Think of it as on-the-job-training.
  • Set some guidelines. What are your family rules regarding Facebook use?  How often can your child be on the site?  Who can they be-friend (my advice: only people that they know relatively well), what sorts of things can they post (“I love my soccer team” is a great post, “My family and I will be out of state all weekend and we couldn’t find anyone to housesit” is not so good), What sorts of pictures are acceptable? What constitutes cyber-bullying and what will happen if they are bullied (or bully themselves)?  What are the grounds for loss of privileges (i.e., grades fall below a certain level)?  Are they allowed to access their account from a mobile device (i.e., smart phone, ipad) or can they only be on the site at home when you are around? Whatever guidelines you set, make sure you are consistent in enforcing them – and don’t forget to follow them yourself.
  • Move some furniture. I think one of the most important things we can do to make sure our kids are safe online is placing the computer where we can see it.  Perhaps that means it is in the kitchen or near the couch.  You should be able to glance at their screen often and easily.  If the computer is in their room, this might be tough.  Little fingers can move quickly when it comes to minimizing an inappropriate screen.
  • Be a good friend. If you decide to allow your child to set up their own account, insist that the two of you become friends.  Better yet, encourage them to become friends with other family members.  As noted above, part of having a child participate in the social networking world requires that you as a parent monitor their use of the technology.  Check out their posts, their “likes,” their pictures, where they’re tagged, and who they’re friending.
  • Turn it off. One of the things I notice frequently in my practice is that both adults and kids have a hard time turning off the technology around them.  Texting at dinner, making phone calls in the car, checking email at the dinner table – is it really necessary?  Talk to your kids about the importance of taking time off Facebook (and all technology) and set a “bedtime” for all devices.  And don’t forget to do it yourself, you might be surprised what happens to your stress level if you unplug on a regular basis.


School Counselors – Stars On and Off TV

There was so much I could have written after this week’s airing of Glee: the controversy about its appropriateness for young viewers, the sexualization of girls and women, the psychology of Rocky Horror Picture Show, the list goes on and on.  But instead, I’m going to keep it simple.

Ms. Pillsbury from Glee (Fox TV)

I love Emma Pillsbury, the school counselor on Glee. There are lots of reasons I like her: she loves cardigans as I do, she’s a redhead, she’s a quirky character.  But perhaps what I like best is that she is the school counselor – and I LOVE school counselors.

In my work with children and families, one of the first things I recommend is that parents make contact with the counselor at their children’s schools.  It has been my experience that these professionals offer some things that I – as a private psychologist -  never could.  Below are some of the things that make school counselors stars – and an awesome resource for families:

  • They see your child in a different light. School counselors get the opportunity to be flies on the wall at school and observe children in their natural state.  They are able to see who really started the fight, if your child is really the bully you think she might be, and what is really behind all those tardies in math.
  • Their services are included. At least in my area, school counselors’ services are free to students.  This can be a super opportunity for families who are pinching pennies and can’t afford outside services.
  • The hours are great. Since counselors’ offices are right there in the school, their schedules match beautifully with the kids’.  Often kids can zip into the counselor’s office for a quick chat between classes, during lunch, or at recess.  No need to miss parts of the school day, cut into family time, or rush through homework in order to make an appointment with an outside practitioner.
  • The kids are in charge. In many of the schools with which I work, the kids themselves are in charge (to a large degree) of deciding when they see their school counselor.  I love the degree of responsibility and independence this affords them.  It helps teach kids at an early age to find appropriate help and resources when needed.

While your school counselor might not sing and dance like Ms. Pillsbury, she/he is still worth checking out!

Photo: Glee on Fox TV

Stress Management: The Importance of Hobbies

1 Comment

I spend a large percentage of time helping people manage their stress more effectively.  And when I talk to the media, one of the first questions they typically ask is “What are some good ways to manage stress?”  My answer: Anything that’s healthy and works.  Sure, yoga’s great but so is just breathing, sitting quietly, reading, and walking.  I’ve admitted to reporters (I always let my guard down when they get me talking!) that some of my favorite stress management strategies include: watching House Hunters and tweeting John Mayer.  Embarrassing – yes, but also effective.  Given that @johncmayer no longer exists, I’m glad I have a few other stress management tools up my sleeve.

In our fast-paced, productive-every-moment, never-relax world, I think many of us have forgotten the importance of hobbies.  I had a supervisor on my internship in graduate school who told everyone who walked in his office that they should be spending more time on their “avocations,” i.e. hobbies.  I’m not sure I would go that far, but I do think the pleasure, stress relief, and change of pace that hobbies afford us are quite valuable.

One of my favorite hobbies? Baking.  Not only is it fun, your friends and family will likely encourage you to spend time doing it – the rewards are just too sweet to pass up!

Halloween cupcakes - Yum!