Category: Parenting

It's Not a Disease, a Disorder, or a Choice…

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This week one of my fellow Colorado psychologists held a press conference.  In her presentation she responded to comments made by Colorado political candidate, Ken Buck, comparing homosexuality to a disease like alcoholism.  Dr. Sarah Burgamy made some great points in the conference, but the one that struck me was: Homosexuality is not a “defect, disease, or disorder.” Dr. Burgamy continued: “Homosexuality is a healthy variation of human sexuality.”

Dr. Burgamy did such a beautiful job responding to the assertions that there is something wrong with homosexuality, that I don’t really think there is anymore I can add.  Other than to remind myself and others that her points are ones we all need to remember in our personal lives, professional work, and – perhaps most importantly – when seeking to assist the young people in our communities who are struggling with their own sexual identities.

Is Sexier Always Better?

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I’m glad I waited until today to write my weekly post about Glee.  If I hadn’t, I would have missed out on the opportunity to put in my two cents about the pictures of Lea Michelle and Dianna Agron in GQ that were just released.

So, here’s my two cents: I’m sick of it.  I’m sick of the skin, the bras, and the in-your-face sexuality.  Why wasn’t it enough to watch these kids sing and dance in appropriate clothing – all while tackling some important and difficult issues?  Is it the entertainment industry that pushes for the sexier-is-better mindset – or is it us, the viewers?  Or both?

And what can we do in our homes to manage the onslaught of sexualized media images we see everyday?  I have written about this topic on the Your Mind. Your Body. blog, but for today, I think the lesson is: talk about it.  Rather than passively accepting these sexualized images, talk to your kids about them.  And while you’re at it, talk to your spouse, your friends, your sister, and mom.  How do they help their kids navigate the sexualized world in which we live – and how do they cope themselves?  Because our kids’ body images aren’t the only ones susceptible to the images we see around us – ours are too.

The Teacher Says My Child’s a Troublemaker, Now What?

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What do you do when you get negative feedback about your child once – or day after day from their teacher/school counselor/principal?  What happens when you hear your child is below grade level in reading, bullying the other kids in class, causing problems in music, or being distracting in social studies?  What should you do when all you really feel like doing is crying in the backseat of your minivan?

  • Take a deep breath. Often negative feedback from schools hits us when we aren’t expecting it.  There we are with a tray of cupcakes and 4 minutes to get to work, when the teacher swoops by and says “by the way, your daughter has no friends!”  Taken off guard in this way can be tough (to say the least) so the first step is to put down the cupcakes, go outside, and breathe before you move onto anything else.
  • Put the phone down. Our natural reaction to news that our kids aren’t perfect is to get on the phone and fix it.  Whether that be scheduling a conference with the school, making an appointment with a pediatrician, or finding a psychologist.  These aren’t necessarily bad moves, but sometimes it can be helpful to really digest the feedback before we launch into action.  Talk to your partner, your mom, a close friend – but hold off on making any concrete moves for at least 24 hours.
  • Ask for a meeting. Once you have cooled down and dried your eyes, call or email your child’s teacher and ask for a meeting.  If you have a partner or spouse, make sure they can be there too.  It’s best to have a couple sets of ears in the meeting, in case you mis-hear something.  For example, you might hear:

    “Your daughter will never amount to anything and is destined for a life of misery.”  When what the teacher really said was “Your daughter might benefit from a little extra reading practice.”

  • You’re an expert too. Teachers are wonderful, honorable, and well-trained professionals.  We should listen to them and be respectful of their opinions about our children.  We should also give ourselves the same respect; after all, we are experts on our children too.  Have a gut feeling that what the teacher says doesn’t fit? Get a second opinion, and trust your own as well.
  • Ask your kids. Kids are no dummies – I don’t care what their age.  They will likely know something is going on, so it is appropriate to ask their opinion.  “Gosh Jonathan, Ms. Jones said you were giving some of the kids in your class a hard time.  Can you tell me what’s going on?”  And once you ask, don’t forget to listen.  Often our kids have more insight into their “issues” than we give them credit for.


Kill Your Television?

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I have a love/hate relationship with TV.  If you’ve read much of my blog, you know that I love pop culture – of which TV is a big part. I even think that TV can be used as an informative and unique parenting tool.  But when I saw the reports of the study released from the University of Bristol’s School for Exercise, Nutrition and Health Sciences finding children who watched TV television or used computers for more than two hours had higher “psychological difficulty” scores, regardless of how much time the children participated in physical activity, I was not at all surprised.
So here comes the hate side of my relationship with TV.  While I have done no formal research on the issue, I can say with certainty that in both my clinical and personal life, I see the effects of too much TV everyday.  I’m not even objecting to the risqué story lines or the gratuitous violence – it’s more basic than that.  I find TV, computers, and other electronic gadgets to be too stimulating.  They wind me up and they can wind kids up too.

We might look like vegetables cuddled up on the couch when we are watching, but it has been my experience that they can over-stimulate us so that even once the TV is turned off, we have trouble turning ourselves off.  Find yourself overly anxious, worrying too much, totally stressed, or your kids spinning like a top? It might be worth unplugging for a week or two and see if it makes a difference.

Want some ideas about what to do with all your newly-discovered, unplugged time? Read the diary of my TV Free Week last spring.


The Wisdom of Madonna

This morning while driving my young daughter to a field trip, I popped Glee: The Power of Madonna into the CD player.  I listened to a few songs before I started to wonder if this album was appropriate for young ears.  Feeling doubtful – but not wanting to stop listening – I began to think of reasons why Madonna was OK for a young girl .  After all, I grew up listening to the Material Girl – and I think I turned out alright.

It didn’t take long before I heard true wisdom in her lyrics, and felt sure that listening to the Glee Cast’s versions of her songs wasn’t going to do irreparable harm.  In fact, I realized that some of the lines in her songs would make great jumping off points for in-depth conversations one day.  For example:

  • “Beauty’s where you find it (not just where you bump and grind it).”  (Vogue) It’s up to us to find beauty and happiness in life – we can’t count on others’ ideas of what it might be.  Is it possible to change our minds about what is beautiful and good over the course of our lives?
  • “If I died tonight at least I could say I did what I wanted to do.  Tell me, how ’bout you?”  (4 Minutes) Are you using your life wisely and doing what makes you happy?  Are there ever times when we shouldn’t do what we want?  Should we ever delay our gratification?
  • “Strong inside but you don’t know it, good little girls they never show it.  When you open up your mouth to speak could you be a little weak?”  …  “When you’re trying hard to be your best, could you be a little less?”  (What it Feels Like for a Girl) Do you think boys and girls are treated differently at home, school, soccer, church?  Do you have different standards or expectations for boys and girls in your life?
  • “You don’t need diamond rings or 18 karat gold.  Fancy cars that go very fast, you know, they never last.”  (Express Yourself) All I can say is that we should have listened to Madge 10 years ago.  Maybe our country would be in a better spot financially if we had.

Other lyrics I’m missing? I’d love to hear them!

Bullying in the Era of Facebook – Some Tips for Parents and Friends

By now most of us have heard about the rash of suicides committed in the last few weeks by “outed” teens around the country.  I was moved by the statement (above) made by Ellen DeGeneres.  In particular, I appreciated her words of wisdom and resources for anti-bullying programs.

One of my favorite colleagues, Dr. Nancy Molitor recently wrote an article about how to spot and help a child or young adult who is being bullied on the Your Mind. Your Body. – the blog for the American Psychological Association.  In her article she notes that bullying IS NOT NORMAL and should not be tolerated at any level.  She also offers advice for parents or friends of folks who are being bullied, including how to involve the school counselor or college mental health center.

Our society has become more complex and bullying doesn’t just occur on the playground or on the walk home from school anymore.   Online bullying has become one of the most complicated and biggest challenges our children face.  And unfortunately many of us parents simply aren’t prepared to deal with this aspect of our kids’ lives because it isn’t something we had to contend with ourselves.  So beyond the advice we have gotten about preventing, spotting, and managing bullying in general, how do we deal with cyber-bullying in particular?

  • Be friends with/follow your kids online. Insist that your children make you friends with full access to their social networking accounts.
  • Check their accounts often – like everyday. It isn’t enough to just be friends with your child on Facebook (or Twitter, MySpace, etc) – you must take advantage of those privileges as well.  Check in on them often and consider posting on their wall when appropriate – they should be aware of your presence with them in cyberspace.
  • Stay current. Technology changes rapidly and – for better or for worse – keeping up with it is now an important piece of parenting.  Check out websites like the Online Mom, take a class on social networking at your local library, talk to fellow moms – whatever it takes to stay on top of things.
  • Talk a lot. Listen More. Take every opportunity to engage your children in conversations about these kinds of topics.  Ask your kids what they think of the suicides that have occurred recently.  Ask them if they have ever known anyone who has been bullied, what they would do if they were taunted online, brainstorm about ways to deal with bullies, ask them if they have ever posted anything that could have been construed as bullying.  Ask open-ended questions and aim to listen more than you talk.
  • Keep your eyes and ears open. Our lives are so busy, it is sometimes hard to notice what is going on in our on homes.  Slow down once in a while to notice if your kids are acting differently: more solemn, more isolated, more moody?  If so, take action – and quickly.

Can Britney Really Cause a Sex Riot?

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If you watched last night’s episode of Glee, then you know the music of Ms. Britney Spears was featured. One of the many story lines included cheerleading coach Sue Sylvester warning Mr. Schuester of the dangers of singing Britney songs. She advised him that exposing the students to her music could lead down a slippery slope of debauchery, deviancy, and ultimately a sex riot. And in fact, a semi-sex riot did ensue when the kids sang “Toxic” at the homecoming assembly. So my question for today is: can Britney (or pop music in general) really bring about the kinds of misbehavior of which Sue is warning us?

Not that this is a new question, parents have been accusing popular culture of sullying their kids for generations. But does it really happen? Is there a direct line, as Sue would have us believe, between risqué music and bad behavior?

I’m inclined to say no. I don’t believe that listening to a suggestive – or even explicit – song can cause kids to engage in sexually riotous behavior. And to say that it does minimizes the other, more constant, influences in their lives. Parents, teachers, friends, neighbors, classmates – all these factors have much more influence than one sexy song ever could – even if the singer is Britney.

So, if you’re a parent, don’t underestimate the influence you have with your children – even if it seems like they never listen to a word you say. And be

Life's Embarrassing Moments…Your Child's Having a Fit

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It’s happened to all of us parents…we might as well admit it.  We are just trying to:

  • send off a package at the post office
  • deposit a check at the bank
  • pick up the dry cleaning
  • buy taco shells for dinner

And our kid(s) start throwing a fit for no reason.  And suddenly we find ourselves the victims of:

  • spit wads
  • kicking and/or slapping
  • doubts about our parenting abilities
  • old-fashioned, blood-curdling screams

Put these things together and you have one of the more embarrassing moments in a parent’s life.  We all know what we should do: don’t give in to the child’s whims, leave the cart full of groceries and calmly take our child to the car, and definitely don’t lose our cool!

But how many of us can really follow the expert’s advice when we are being slapped with a stuffed poodle? Not many.  Most of us simply try to keep from screaming/crying/spitting ourselves, get out of the store (with taco shells in hand) as quickly as we can, and attempt to forget this embarrassing moment as quickly as possible.

Parenting tips, tricks, and techniques are great – I have been known to dispense some myself.  But, sometimes the most helpful tip is that we as parents have all been there, have all been red-cheeked and embarrassed, and have all survived – and so will you.

The Importance of Losing

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My kids went to the greatest birthday party a couple of weeks ago.  It had everything a kid could possibly want: 2 enormous bouncy houses, an all-you-can-eat nacho bar, a 4 foot tall pinata, 3 cakes – and tons of games.  But these weren’t the games my kids were used to playing, these were “old school” games.  Games where there was a clear winner – and a clear loser.  As I watched the kids duke it out in tug-of-war, I realized that my daughter had rarely lost a game in her life.  The games she had played at other parties, in school, and even at home didn’t dictate a clear winner, or more importantly, a clear loser.  She (and I for that matter) were more used to being praised simply for participating and giving it a good shot.

I’m not a competitive person, and I certainly see the benefits of encouraging participation and rewarding good effort.  But after watching my daughter switch sides when she realized her tug-of-war team was losing, and then throwing a fit like a toddler after losing a balloon-popping game I realized that learning to lose is important too.

Learning to lose gracefully is important for several reasons, but perhaps the most important is that it is just part of life.  Some of us lose a lot, some not so much, but none of us come out on top all the time.  Teaching our kids that losing can be part of a happy life is an important lesson, as is encouraging them to get up and try again after a failure or loss.