Picky Eaters and Family Stress

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Having a picky eater in the family can be super stressful for all involved: the picky eater themselves, the parents, the siblings – everyone.  No one enjoys having mealtime conversation include nothing but:

Please, just one more bite!

I worked hard making this… you better $%**@ eat it!

You’re never going to grow if you keep eating like that!

Luckily, there are lots of strategies for making mealtimes more pleasant and healthy (physically and psychologically!) for all involved.  I was recently interviewed for an article on reducing stress around mealtimes by my favorite speech pathologist and feeding specialist, Melanie Potock.  The article appeared on the ASHA Leader Blog a couple weeks ago.  Check out the full article here:

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Parenting Kids With Different Body Types

Just because kids have the same parents, doesn’t mean they have the same body types – and that can be a tricky thing for parents to navigate.  I recently wrote some tips for parenting kids with different body types for the awesome group Produce for Kids.  To read the entire article (It’s short, I promise) check it out here.  And while you’re there, be sure to look at all the fun, healthy food ideas on their site.

Check out the full article over at Produce for Kids

Check out the full article over at Produce for Kids

Summer (School’s Out!) Stress Disorder

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Is school out in your area?

It’s been out for over a week around here, and I’m noticing there’s a little extra stress happening in some households.  This seems to happen every year around this time when the predictability and structure of school that keeps kids occupied for a good chunk of the day comes to an end.  And while the last day of school can bring a huge sense of relief and excitement for some families, others might find themselves saying:

WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO NOW?

Of course, Summer Stress Disorder isn’t a real mental health diagnosis, but the freedom of summer can certainly be a real source of stress for some parents and kids, too.  To keep summer stress to the minimum, consider the following tips:

Talk about it.  Sitting down as a family and talking about schedules, plans and expectations for the next 3 months is a great idea.  Even if your kiddos are preschoolers, they can benefit too.  Older kids (even those home from college) can also benefit from understanding the rules and guidelines for summer (Is curfew the same? Are they expected to work? Do chores around the house?)

Have a plan.  I’m big on planning, and big on structure.  Not everyone shares my philosophy on running a home (which is completely fine, by the way – there are lots of good ways to raise kids!), but I do think having some basic plans for how days and weeks are organized are a good idea.  Will there be time set aside for reading or math practice? Rules around screen time? Participation in camps, volunteer activities, sports or classes?  Kids need downtime, but they need at least a bit of structured time too.

Have fun. Staycation – something popularized in the recession – is now a part of our vocabulary.  The great thing about it is that there are now TONS of websites and blogs dedicated to helping families plan outings near home.  Whether or not big trips are in your summer schedule, fun can be had close to home.  Encourage your kids to help you choose an activity and involve them in the planning process.

Take a break.  Family time is great, but so is alone time.  Don’t forget to schedule in a bit of time for yourself this summer.  3 months can feel like a reeeeaaaallllly long time when every moment is spent with kids.

 

 

Taking Your Child To A Funeral

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Should we take our kids to the funeral?

That’s a sad question that most every parent will have to ask themselves at one time or another.  We recently lost a dear family friend and my husband and I found ourselves asking this very question.  Now that a few weeks have gone by and I’ve reflected a bit, I have come up with a few thoughts on the topic.  Here goes:

Funerals are important for many reasons: they provide structure to our grief, they answer questions about the meaning of death and what happens after life, they give us the opportunity to grieve with (and support) others; and perhaps most importantly, they allow us to participate in a tradition that humans have been participating in for many, many years.  And just doing something that our ancestors did can be comforting.

The other part about funerals, though is that they are sad, and often quiet, and can bring up lots of questions too.  So, should we bring our kids along? A few things to consider:

  • Kids can be a wonderful distraction from grief.  Lively, healthy, happy children can be a lovely contrast to the pain of losing a loved one.  But not always.  Sometimes they are too much of a distraction, though – like my 3 year old would have been at the funeral – he didn’t join us.  In this case, they might be best left at home.
  • Funerals are part of life.  We are all going to die.  As hard as that is to write down, of course it is true.  Shielding our children from that reality isn’t doing them any favors.  Allowing them to witness others grieving, consoling, supporting, remembering and loving each other is.
  • Life isn’t just about us.  At the recent funeral I attended, I experienced the importance of tradition, history, culture, language, music and food in times of grief.  Just like in times of celebration (weddings, births, baptisms), grieving families benefit from the familiarity of shared family and community traditions.  Life isn’t all about us.  It’s also about the many people who came before us, and all those who will come after us.   And important lesson for all kids (and adults) to learn.
  • Sometimes things are boring, long and uncomfortable.  The funeral we attended was all in Greek (literally), was quite long, and we pretty much had no idea what was going on.  But that wasn’t the point.  The point was to sit quietly and respectfully as we remembered our deceased friend and showed his family our love and support.  Just like life isn’t all about us, it also isn’t always instantly-gratifying.  The sooner and better we learn that, the easier life will be.

 

 

How To Forgive Yourself

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As a parent I have about a million opportunities to screw up everyday.  When I do, it can be important to do a little self-forgiveness so that I can move on to the next challenge without the weight of guilt around my shoulders.  We all make mistakes (in parenting and otherwise), so naturally are all in need of forgiveness at one time or another.  Sometimes we seek forgiveness from others, but it’s from ourselves that forgiveness is also desired.

Some ideas about how to forgive yourself and move on:

Be Intentional. When thinking about forgiving yourself a transgression, it can be useful to be organized about it. What is it that you have done? Why would you like to forgive yourself? What will that forgiveness mean in the long term? Writing these things down might also be useful as a way to keep your thoughts clear and organized.

Make a moment out of it. Give yourself the time and space to really think through what forgiveness means, and then give it to yourself. Instead of trying to accomplish this difficult task while driving kids to soccer practice or making dinner, try carving out some time just for yourself to sit and process it all. Preferably time when you won’t be interrupted – but instead have the luxury of spending some real, quality time with yourself.

Let yourself move on. Forgiving ourselves doesn’t mean we have forgotten what we have done, but it does mean letting go of the anger, guilt and shame associated with event. It will likely take some practice, but true forgiveness means allowing yourself to move on from the past with improved knowledge and behavior.

Want to read more about forgiveness? Check out my posts:

What Is Forgiveness?

How to Forgive Someone

Parts of this post originally appeared on Personal Development Genesis.

Standardized Testing and Stressed-Out Kids

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Are standardized tests in the news in your community?  It seems to be what everyone is talking about around here.  Federal and state-mandated standardized tests are given to almost all students in grades K-12 in March, as far as I can understand.  I am not an expert in primary education, standardized testing or curriculum development so I can’t speak about the tests from that angle.  But, I am an expert in anxiety and parenting and have a few thoughts about how testing affects those sorts of things.

Here goes.

I have watched standardized testing season come and go (as a psychologist and mom) for a decade now.  And here’s the thing: they cause A LOT of anxiety, worry and nervous feelings all the way around.  In parents, in students, in teachers in administrators – probably bus drivers and custodians too – everyone’s feeling the tension.  It’s almost impossible to escape.

I am going to stop myself from writing about how unnecessary I think standardized tests are (especially in the quantity in which they are given).  And I’ll keep my mouth shut about how ridiculous I think it is that my 2 grade-schoolers have a combined TWENTY THREE test days in the next month.   And I’ll stop short of encouraging parents to consider opting-out of testing if they feel it’s not in the best interest of their children.

Instead I will focus on how to help your kiddos make it through testing season with their good mental health intact.

  • Keep your routine normal.  Kids thrive on routine.  Chances are their school days will look a little different during testing season (different class schedules, dismissal times, etc) so it becomes even more important that routines remain the same at home.  Try to keep normal bedtimes, mealtimes and activities going on as usual.
  • Resist the urge to talk about testing.  Your kids – whether in 1st or 11th grade – have likely been hearing about their standardized tests for weeks as teachers prepare them for what to expect.  When they get home they might need a break from all the hype.  A simple: “How did the test go today?” is likely all you need to ask about it.  Grilling our kids, ranting about the philosophical flaws of their school system or putting extra pressure on them to perform academically is rarely helpful.  Keep it light and give them a break.
  • Teach stress management skills.  Life is full of stressors.  Mastering a couple stress management strategies in childhood can be a wonderful thing.  If your child is a little stressed on test days, consider using the opportunity to teach him some basic stress management strategies: Take deep breaths; Visual a soothing, restful place; Go on a bike ride or walk.

The vast majority of kids (and parents!) make it through testing season just fine and chances are you (and I!) will, too.  If you are concerned that your child’s worry seems more intense than normal, or it doesn’t resolve after the tests are over, you might consider meeting with a psychologist.  Read more about whether therapy is needed here.

Talking to Kids About Suicide

Suicide is a topic that no one likes to talk about, but it’s one we need to discuss – and not just when it affects a celebrity we love. I recently wrote a post for the American Psychological Association‘s blog, Your Mind. Your Body.  In it, I offered some tips for talking to your youngest family members about this tough topic.  Here’s a peek:

Don’t Be Afraid to Say It: Even when news of a celebrity’s death by suicide isn’t on the news, it is a part of everyday language. Kids are hearing about it at school, on the radio and online. So be brave and ask clear questions like: “Have you ever thought of suicide?” or “What would you do if you had thoughts of suicide?” It does no good to beat around the bush.

For more tips and strategies for talking to kids about suicide, check out the full post on Your Mind. Your Body.

Even when news of a celebrity’s death by suicide isn’t on the news, it is a part of everyday language. Kids are hearing about it at school, on the radio and online. So be brave and ask clear questions like: “Have you ever thought of suicide?” or “What would you do if you had thoughts of suicide?” It does no good to beat around the bush. – See more at: http://www.yourmindyourbody.org/talking-to-your-children-about-suicide/#sthash.48nKYGB4.dpuf

Don’t be afraid to say it.

Even when news of a celebrity’s death by suicide isn’t on the news, it is a part of everyday language. Kids are hearing about it at school, on the radio and online. So be brave and ask clear questions like: “Have you ever thought of suicide?” or “What would you do if you had thoughts of suicide?” It does no good to beat around the bush.

– See more at: http://www.yourmindyourbody.org/talking-to-your-children-about-suicide/#sthash.48nKYGB4.dpuf

Don’t be afraid to say it.

Even when news of a celebrity’s death by suicide isn’t on the news, it is a part of everyday language. Kids are hearing about it at school, on the radio and online. So be brave and ask clear questions like: “Have you ever thought of suicide?” or “What would you do if you had thoughts of suicide?” It does no good to beat around the bush.

– See more at: http://www.yourmindyourbody.org/talking-to-your-children-about-suicide/#sthash.48nKYGB4.dpuf

Two School Lunches in Seven Minutes

It’s Back to School Day Around here, and I have to admit that I am feeling pretty down about it. I love summer: the pool, the lazy mornings, the lack of homework the evening bike rides.  But here we are, back to backpacks, spelling tests and the dreaded question about what to do for lunch.

Here’s my rule: Once my kids hit kindergarten I no longer pack their lunches. My time is precious, I don’t like doing it and they don’t eat what I pack half the time anyway.  So my kids are left with two choices:

1. Buy lunch at school

2. Pack your own lunch

On the first day of school my girls decided to pack their own lunch.  After checking out some menu options on Produce for Kids they chose the Easy Lunch Stackers.  My contribution? I provided all the ingredients and some brand new bento boxes (so cute!) – then I sat down and watched (and timed) them as they got to work.  Here’s how it went:

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Brand new bento boxes!

All the ingredients for a healthy (and yummy!) lunch!

All the ingredients for a healthy (and yummy!) lunch!

Assembly...

Assembly…

Completed lunch #1

Completed lunch #1

Completed lunch #2

Completed lunch #2

All done! And in less than 7 minutes! I think they could do it even faster with a little practice.  Next up? Taco Bento Box!

Check out more recipes at Produce for Kids – and take the Pledge at #poweryourlunchbox

This just in!!! Reviews of Easy Lunch Stackers:

Eater #1: “They were good. They tasted healthy and yummy.”

Eater #2: “It was delicious!”

Social Media 101: Parent Edition

I think parenting has always been a tough job, but these days the blistering-fast changes in technology have made it more (at least intellectually) challenging than ever before.

I often talk about the dilemma like this: When I was growing up there was no such thing as cell phones, the internet or Facebook/Instagram/Snapchat so I can’t call my mom and ask her questions like…

At what age did you let me get a Twitter account?

Did you “friend” my boyfriends on Facebook?

How much time is too much time on YouTube for a 10 year old?

…to help me make good parenting decisions for my own family.

And it’s a huge bummer that I can’t ask her because that’s how so much of parenting is done: remembering how we were parented and/or asking our own parents for advice.  But that doesn’t work anymore because technology changes so rapidly that the parenting rules of just a few years ago now seem antiquated.  Remember when we used to say…

Keep the family computer in a public place like the kitchen so you can monitor your kids’ usage.

…Ugh. That’s so 2004. And totally irrelevant.

It can be hard to keep up with the changes and the apps/sites/outlets that kids are frequenting.  I just saw this sort of funny, sort of serious description of the tops sites and how kids use them.  Take a look:

Helping Kids Develop a Positive Body Image

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I recently wrote an article for Produce for Kids about how to help kids feel good about their bodies.  This topic seems particularly important as we are in the middle of swimsuit season, with back-to-school only a few weeks away in many parts of the country.  These times of the year are ripe for comparing our looks and physical abilities to others.

It’s hard to believe, but kids as young as 4 and 5 can struggle with body image.  And it’s not something that affects only girls! We are discovering that boys often struggle with body image too, and that they are just as vulnerable to negative messages (from the media, peers and caregivers) as girls.

The great thing is that parents, caregivers and teachers can have a huge positive impact on how kids feel about their bodies.  Here’s one of the tips I offer in the article:

Respect our own bodies. Kids notice everything we do – and don’t do. Take care to treat your own body with respect by eating healthy foods, getting plenty of exercise and adequate sleep. By demonstrating respect for our own bodies, our kids will be more likely to do the same.

For more tips for helping kids learn to love their bodies for what they can do – and not tear them don’t for what they can’t – check out the full article over at Produce for Kids.