Category: Parenting

Helping Kids Make Smart Food Choices…Without Giving Up Cake

One of my coolest professional roles is as a Parent Advisory Board member for Produce for Kids, an organization that encourages healthy eating for kids and families.  This week I wrote an article for their website about how to help kids incorporate all types of foods into their diets.  We all know that tomatoes and fish are great for us, but I also suggest tips for how to include chocolate, cake, and nachos into a balanced diet.  After all, could any of us survive for long without cake or curly fries?  I know I couldn’t.  Check out the article for ideas on how to make healthy, balanced, and REALISTIC food choices for you and your family.

Check out the Produce for Kids website for all sorts of tips on health eating – including easy, kid-friendly recipes!

Book Review: Working Parents Thriving Families

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A few things before I start this review:

1. I typically don’t care for parenting books.  They tend to be preachy, too complicated, and make me feel like a lousy parent after reading them.  Read more about my thoughts on parenting books here.

2.  Dr. David Palmiter, the author of Working Parents, Thriving Families, is a colleague of mine so I’m not totally un-biased when it comes to this review.  With that said, one of the reasons he is a colleague is that I consider him an excellent psychologist and teacher.

3.  I have read this book a couple of times.  The first time was so I could write a quick review to go into the book.  The second time was for this blog – so I consider myself a real expert on this book! To read my review (along with a bunch of others), click here.

OK, with that stuff out of the way, here we go:

While I’m not sure if the “Working” in the title refers to parents who work outside the home, or a recognition of the fact that parenting is “work,” the title sets the tone for this down-to-earth, super accessible book that deals with a lot of real-life issues. Dr. Palmiter doesn’t focus on step-by-step techniques or discipline strategies that need a PhD to administer.  He simply talks about the basics of parenting and what needs to happen in order to raise a happy family – while acknowledging that none of us is perfect and we all get overwhelmed and frustrated with ourselves, our partners, and our kids from time to time.

A few of the things I like best about Dr. Palmiter’s book:

  • “Special Time.”  Dr. Palmiter suggests we spend an hour each week with each of our children doing nothing but watching them engage in something they enjoy, and then commenting, praising, and encouraging them in that activity.  He suggests how awesome it might feel if we (as adults) heard things like: “You prepared that dinner beautifully” or “Wow, you really managed the kids like a pro today” on a regular basis – and the same goes for our kids.  I love tips like this because they are free, aren’t hard to master, don’t have side effects, and can make a huge impact on families in a relatively short period of time.  I know, I know, I’m not sure I can really do that for what would equal 3 hours per week either (and he comments on that complaint), but it is something to work toward for sure.
  • His humor and lighthearted tone.  Parenting is a funny endeavor – but you would never know it by looking at most of the books, blogs, and websites out there.  Dr. Palmiter did a great job making me laugh. A couple examples are when he offers some comebacks to common kid complaints:

Kid: But all of my friends are allowed to do it!

Parent: Do you think their parents would consider adopting you?

Kid: But, you let (name of sibling) do that!

Parent: I love her more than you.

  • I didn’t feel like crap at the end.  As I mentioned above, lots of parenting books make me feel like a bad parent.  Either because I never have the energy or motivation to do all the things they tell me I should, or because my kids never look like their examples.  The thing about this book is that my family DOES look like Dr. Palmiter’s examples, and he even shares his own quirky family and parenting blunders with us!  He also seems to get that modern family life is crazy, hectic (his website is even hecticparents.com), and frankly ugly at times.

To learn more about Dr. David Palmiter check out his website.  To buy the book, check it out here.

 

 

5 Questions with Sally Koslow

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Last month I posted a review of the book Slouching Toward Adulthood by Sally Koslow.  I remarked that while the book – about Generation Y’s slow pace

through life – was interesting, I found it rather sad.  Ms. Koslow, a Baby Boomer herself did a lovely job researching and writing about the history of both the Boomers and the Gen Y’ers.  I, a Gen X’er, simply found the whole topic irritating and wondered how my generation fits in between these two massive, sometimes self-centered, hugely influential generations.

Ms. Koslow was nice enough to agree to answer a few questions to help me get to the bottom of my concerns – as well as to help me (and you!) get to know her better. I am so grateful that this author, teacher, editor, wife, and mother took a moment to speak to me…Welcome, Ms. Koslow!

Dr. S: Given that Gen Y seems to be having a lot of fun traveling, teaching English all over the world, and living as long as possible without taking on adult-like commitments like mortgages and 401K’s – do you think the rest of us would benefit from adopting their worldview? Are we missing the boat by being too serious?
S.K.: I see a lot Gen X-ers and Boomers having fun. No one can accuse us of being too deep. And while sometimes the random acts of wandering you describe among Gen Y-ers allow them to hit on the magic combination to a padlock that frees up lasting contentment, for some people,–let’s be honest–this behavior is simply procrastination married to moral superiority. While researching Slouching Toward Adulthood, I met many Gen Y-ers who seemed to assume that there would always be enough time to do everything they want and that every light in front of them would always turn green. I worry that if they spend too many years in the activities you mention, they may miss out on other opportunities that they will enjoy. How many Gen Y-ers won’t evolve into cynics who wish that someone had kicked them in the butt when they were younger so they’d have already found a career path with which they can be reasonably happy and have started to build a life that makes it possible to provide a comfortable home for themselves and possibly children?

Dr. S.: As a Gen X’er I am interested to hear your thoughts about how my generation fits in between the Boomers and the Gen Y’ers? Or are we too small to be relevant?
S.K.: Many Gen X’ers are now thought leaders, rising in every profession. Your impact grows by the day.  You’re had the good fortunate to have graduated from college and professional schools when there was less unemployment than there is now. Gen Y-ers have drawn the short straw.

Dr. S.: What are you reading now?
S.K.: I’m in the middle of The Odd Women by George Gissing, a British author popular in the late 1880’s. This novel is fascinating and surprisingly contemporary, though a bit one-note. It’s set in London and explores hardships faced by single women as well as inequalities in and outside marriage. Plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose—the more things change, the more they stay the same.

Dr. S.: Please tell me a bit about your new book coming out in June.
S.K.: The Widow Waltz, my fifth book, is a coming of age novel. One of the women is 50–it’s never too late to grow up—and will be published by Viking, It focuses on a recent widow as well as her daughters in their 20’s and the paths their lives take after the death of their husband/father. It’s a story of resilience built on the infrastructure of a mystery.

Dr. S.: One of the things I often write about is how to manage stress. We all know yoga is great, but I love to hear about some more creative solutions to stress management. For example, I have written that one of my go-to strategies is watching House Hunters. What do you do to manage your stress?
S.K.: Besides reading? I watch funny movies that I’ve seen so many times I can lip-synch. Topping my current rotation are Bridesmaids and As Good as It Gets. A few years ago I would have named Clueless and My Cousin Vinnie. After dipping into any of these films for a random ten minutes I feel mellow.

Thanks Ms. Koslow! To learn more about Ms. Koslow and her other books check out her website – www.SallyKoslow.com.  Click here to buy Slouching Toward Adulthood.  After reading it, let me know your thoughts!

Book Review: Slouching Toward Adulthood

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I recently read Slouching Toward Adulthood, by Sally Koslow after hearing an interview with the author on the radio.  It seemed like an interesting topic – Generation Y’s reluctance to embrace adulthood and their effect on the culture, job market, and their Baby Boomer parents.  While I am neither a Boomer nor a Gen Y’er, I certainly know lots of people in those demographics, and am aware of the massive influence these groups have on our society at large.

Here’s the thing: I couldn’t make it though the book because it was so darn depressing! Maybe not everyone would find it so, but I sure did.  The mentality of entitlement in Gen Y of which the author writes is tough to take, and the self-important attitude she describes in Boomers became nauseating.  Obviously not every person in these generations falls within these stereotypes, but the thought that even a few might was too much for me to read about after a while.

We all know that the Baby Boomers have changed the world with every step in their development (hippies to yuppies to active retirees).  So it makes sense that their kids would follow a novel path, too.  Besides, what adultescent (as Koslow calls them) would want to leave parents who have supported them emotionally, financially, and otherwise everyday of their lives?  Not only that, but these Boomer parents laid out a life path so smooth for their children that it was devoid of any real challenge, heartbreak, or disappointment.  And through it all truly believed that their children hung the moon?  With a childhood like that, I wouldn’t want to leave the nest either.  Who would?

The dynamics between Gen Y and Baby Boomers are probably important for us to be aware of, as we all have to live in the world they have (or will) create.  But for me, a stereotypically independent and skeptical Gen X’er, this book was just too much.

Consequently, in researching this post, I did come across this article on alternet.org: How Generation X Got the Shaft But Can Still Keep Everything From Sucking.  Now that sounds like my cup of tea.

 

 

Stressed? Take a Hike!

Last spring I was interviewed for this article in the Yuma Sun. I have to be honest, I never would have thought of starting a nature club with my family had the reporter, Chris McDaniel, given me the idea.  After reading the article and the ideas provided, I think it sounds like a lot of fun!  Here’s a quote:

“Sometimes we as parents think that we need to spend lots of money or drive long distances to find things our kids will think are fun. This is rarely the case. Most kids just like to spend time with their parents doing something together. This can be a simple walk around the block, or an exploration trip at the nearest park.”

I gave this quote in the spring, but it seems particularly pertinent this time of year with the holidays – and all the craziness that accompanies them – right around the corner.  Just last night I started to feel a little hint of holiday stress when I caught a glimpse of a kids clothing catalog and started summing up the cash for three coordinating outfits for my kids.  I think I might be taking my own advice today and ditch the expensive things we don’t really need, and head out for a walk in the fall leaves instead.

Yuma Sun April 2012

Homework: A Psychologist’s Perspective, Revisited

I am re-posting this article because we are back into the swing of the new school year.  I make no apologies, I am pretty much against homework for young children.  If I ruled the world (and believe me, I sometimes try) there would be no homework for elementary kids, very little for middle schoolers, and reasonable quantities for high school students.  I was extra-pleased to receive this comment from Erika recently:

  I have been an elementary school teacher for 12 years now, and I have taught grades 1 through 6. I haven’t given homework for years. My students are expected to read to or with a family member (depending on reading level), and that’s it. The only exception is unfinished class work due to lack of effort on their part. My collegues all disagree with me, saying that it is crucial for learning time management skills and for getting through the extensive curriculum, but I say that if they give %100 for the school day, they get the rest of the time off. How are they supposed to get the recommended 1 hour of physical activity a day, and fit in family time, imaginative play, lessons/clubs, and downtime? As for time management, they are occasionally assigned projects, which help develop those skills. And believe me, they manage their time quite well when they know they’ll have homework if they don’t complete their class assignments!
I know that my parents love it… I get an incredible reaction at curriculum night. This year, I think a few of them almost clapped.

Glad to see I am not alone!

Here’s the original post:

I have written before about my thoughts on homework.  Mainly, I’m against it.  At least for elementary schoolers, and possibly even for middle schoolers.  I can see the benefits of homework for high schoolers.  Reading literature, working on calculus problems, and writing up science experiments seem like worthy ways to spend time for the high school set.  But “work sheets” for young kids and tweens mostly seem like a waste of time.

In talking to a colleague the other day (who shared my opinion), I tried to come up with a few guidelines for when I think homework might be appropriate for kids.  Admittedly, I am not an educator and don’t share their expertise and perspective on homework (I am open to comments!).  This is what I think from the perspective of a psychologist:

Goals.  There should be a clear goal when homework is given.  Homework for homework’s sake is not a good enough reason for me.  There should be a compelling reason that children need to crack open the books at home.

Priorities.  I am always hopeful that teachers and administrators keep in mind that each minute a child spends doing homework is one less minute they can spend: exercising, spending quality time with family, engaging in music lessons, volunteering in the community, preparing healthy meals, relaxing, engaging in imaginative play, and/or getting the sleep they need to grow and thrive.  Is the homework assigned more important than those things?  If not, then it can probably be skipped.

Development.  In order for homework to be an effective teaching tool, children should be able to remember they have homework, be able to read the assignment and understand the task, complete the assignment with minimal (if any) parental help, put the work in their bag, and return it to their teacher – all without assistance.  If they require more than minimal parental assistance on any of these steps – they are just too young!  Homework should not be an added burden for the parents and/or a daily potential fight between family members – but an adjunct to the hours spent in school.

Teachers, parents, educators – what am I missing?  Are there reasons for assigning homework that I am missing?  Other guidelines you employ when deciding whether or not to assign homework?

Disney Characters Get an (Unhealthy?) Makeover

One of my colleagues, Dr. Elaine Ducharme, recently alerted me to an announcement by Barney’s about an upcoming ad campaign featuring

Image via Barneys.com

Disney characters.  She was pretty upset about the drastically slimmed-down Minnie Mouse among others.  Dr. Ducharme’s concern got me thinking, too.  Are the plump characters of old really out of date?  Have we become so used to super-thin models that our beloved cartoon characters need to put in time on The Biggest Loser?  To read Dr. Ducharme’s complete article about the dangers and signs of eating disorders and distorted body images, click here.  Here’s a glimpse of her article:

We have developed a society that shouts to us all from billboards, television screens, movie theaters, magazines and just about everywhere we look, that happiness comes only with being thin. The old saying that “you can’t be too thin or too rich” is just not true. And now, even Disney characters will be shouting this message to our kids.

What can you as a parent do when you see a child struggling with these issues? First, you can consistently and throughout your child’s life encourage independent thinking and have open discussions about healthy life-styles. Be aware of your own problems and concerns about weight and eating. Be wary of sports or dance coaches that encourage your child to lose just a few more pounds. Because most eating disorders begin while patients are in their teens or early 20’s be particularly aware of excessive exercise patterns and unusual restriction of caloric intake. Be aware of distortions of body image, signs of depression and low self-esteem. Many teens struggle with identity issues and in today’s highly competitive world, many achieving kids feel they should still be doing more. Help your child set realistic goals for themselves and strive to keep open lines of communication. If they frequently appear upset, and most teenagers do have down periods, ask them if they are just having a bad day or if they have been feeling depressed for a long time. And, if you suspect an eating disorder is developing, consult with your child’s physician, a psychologist or other mental health professional that has experience working with eating disorders. Once an individual admits they have a problem and are willing to seek help, they can be treated effectively through a combination of psychological, nutritional and medical care.

Summer’s Over – Emotions are Mixed

I guess it depends where you live, but in this neck of the woods summer is over! Kids headed back to school this week and I am seeing (and feeling!) mixed emotions all around me.

Kids are excited to see friends, nervous for new teachers and classes, and dreading homework and morning routines. Parents are filled with similar emotions – dread, relief, and happiness. These feelings (and lots of others) are normal and to be expected.  They may also change rapidly over the next few weeks as we get settled into new routines and say goodbye to summer for good.  Plenty of sleep, healthy foods, and physical activity can ease the transition, as can sharing your feelings.

For more information on dealing with the back to school blues, check out the American Psychological Association’s article here.

 

Taming Tween Tantrums

I was recently asked to be a part of this article on dealing with tantrums in tweenagers over at mom.me.  This was a new site to me, and it seems pretty cool – with lots of good info.  I got to participate in the discussion with one of my favorite psychologists, Dr. David Palmiter whose blog and book (Working Parents, Thriving Families) are some of my favorites. (In fact, if you check out the reviews of the book here, you will see mine in the list!)

Anyway, when Alison Bell contacted me about doing a story on tween tantrums – rather than the typical toddler tantrums – I thought she was brilliant!  So many parents struggle with this issue, and most of us think we are alone.  Clearly, we are not.  Many kids ages 7-12 have tantrums, and the article offers super solutions for parents.  My faves? “Catch Them Early” and “One-on-One Time.”

Thanks for including me, mom.me!

Motherhood: Taking Care of Ourselves So We Can Take Care of Our Kids

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Welcome to Moms’ Month on Dr. Stephanie! This month I will be featuring guest posts from some awesome moms around the country.  They will be sharing tips, tricks, and funny stories about motherhood.  This will be a fun celebration – thanks for joining us!  Today’s author is Katie Dupont.  Welcome, Katie! 

Hi!  I’m Katie Dupont and I am a busy and happy personal trainer in San Antonio, Texas and mother of five; Ivy, 17, Karsten, 8, Kamden, 6, Sophie, 4 and Olivia, 9 months.

When asked what we want most for our kids, inevitably their true happiness in life makes the list.  But how do we teach it?  It seems these days we do so (or think we do so) by over-parenting them to it.  Always putting options before them, giving them seemingly unlimited paths to choose.  Are we really giving them the tools to seek out their own paths?  Are we pursuing happiness for ourselves as an example?

A few years ago, I had one of the hardest easy decisions to make.  I was in an abusive, destructive marriage with a man who craftily kept it from my children’s eyes, but I resigned myself to it because I told myself my kids’ security and happiness were the most important things.  What I was failing to recognize was that the eggshells on which they watched me walk were the antithesis of happiness and security for any of us.  I put on my big girl panties and left after 14 years.  As scary as that was, my children have learned a valuable lesson.  Happiness doesn’t happen to us; we must seek it out for ourselves.  I know now that I’m a more complete person for myself and for them.  Their boat was temporarily rocked but not capsized.  Since then, I met and married the love of my life and we added a final arrow to the quiver.  And when my 8 year old son sees the two of us hug and kiss, something he never saw his dad and I do, his proclamation is always the same….”Another happy ending!” What more could a mother want to hear?