Category: Relationships

Gossip: Not Just Bad Manners

Everyone gossips sometimes.  Even me.  Why?  It can be sort of fun.  It can make us feel better about ourselves.  It can help us feel connected to the person we’re gossiping with.  These are all good things.  So, is gossip really that bad?

Yes.  I really think it is that bad.

I believe gossip is bad for our mental health for a number of reasons, including:

1. It takes our focus away from the positives of life and makes us focus on the negatives

2. It encourages us to assume the worst in people, and causes us to doubt people’s intentions, motives, and the effort they put into their lives

3.  It can really screw up relationships if word of your gossiping gets out (and it very often does)

4.  It makes you feel crummy after the gossiping is over

5.  It does absolutely nothing to improve the state of our lives, our communities, and our world

So what if we made a pledge to stop gossiping for even a day or a week?  Would that change anything?  My bet is it would.  Try giving up the gossip for a week and notice if it makes a difference in how you feel about yourself and the people around you.  I bet it will make a difference about how they feel about you!

Need some ideas about how to stop gossiping?  Check out this article on the blog Tiny Buddha: How To Stop Gossiping and Creating Drama.

 

 

 

 

This Baby is Boring!

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Before you start reading this post, I want to make a suggestion: If you are a “baby person” (i.e., you “just can’t get enough of babies,” “could’ve had 10 babies,” “never tire of babies,” then this post is not for you.  In fact, you might want to go ahead and navigate away from this page now…

For the rest of you, this post might be for you.  Sure it’s not a very popular/PC/cool thing to say, but the fact of the matter is, babies are boring, yep B-O-R-I-N-G.  I’ve felt it myself, and I’ve heard others admit it too.  It can be tough to stay excited and engaged around a baby (especially if you are with them for hours on end).  Yea, they’re cute and cuddly, and they are surely a lot of work, but they’re not very stimulating and typically prefer doing lots of nothing – which means you as the caregiver do lots of nothing, too.

So, does it make you a bad parent if you:

1. Think your baby is boring

2. Check the clock every 2 minutes to see how much more time you have to be with your baby alone

3. Wish their infant stage away so that you can just play catch already?

NO! NO! NO! Definitely not!

 

And, does it make you a bad parent if you:

1. Don’t like making baby talk

2. Don’t know how to play with a 3 month old

NO! NO! NO! Definitely not!

Luckily, babies are super forgiving and can be entertained in lots of ways…and they don’t all involve Baby Einstein videos and rattles.  It’s important to talk to our babies and we all know reading to them from a young age is what we are supposed to do.  But no one ever said what the reading material had to be.  So why can’t it be things like US Weekly, The Shabby Chic Home, or Sports Illustrated (just random examples, of course)?  And my idea of quality baby time definitely includes walking the stroller down the street or through the mall so that mom (or dad) can get some exercise.

So, if you’re bored by your baby, know that you’re not alone.  They ARE boring.  But they’re wonderful, too.  And as anyone who has had a baby can tell you, they do grow up and get more interesting and intellectually stimulating – you might even yearn for those baby days when you had nothing but time.  Or maybe not – and that’s OK too.

 

Learning to Apologize

There are lots of reasons to apologize.  Mean words have been said, thoughtless actions have been taken, no action has been taken at all, the list could go on and on.  We’ve had an especially active week of apologizing at my house.  Perhaps it’s the lack of routine and structure that goes along with the holiday week, or maybe it’s just all the junk food that has been consumed.  Whatever the reason, we’ve had lots of practice apologizing this week.

So, how do we teach our kids to apologize.  What’s more, how do we work on the skill as adults?  It’s certainly something we all need to do from time to time.

Make it quick.  For apologies to be meaningful, they need to happen pretty quickly.  Not necessarily right away, as it’s good to think about what you want to say in your apology and actually feel genuine about it, but within a day or two for sure.

Make it brief.  There’s generally no need to go on and on with our apologies.  Short and sweet can be the most effective.  “I’m sorry.  I was wrong” can be very effective. Luckily short apologies tend to be easier to offer, too, especially for little ones.

Write it down.  One of my favorite ways to get kids to apologize and really focus on the meaning behind the apology is to write a letter.   If your family is extra creative, you can even include a hand drawn picture.  The other good thing about an apology letter is that it can be saved and used at a later time, as in: “Remember when you had to write this letter apologizing for having a bad attitude?  Do you really want to have to do that again?”

Say it often.  I have written many times about the importance of apologizing as a parent.  Giving our kids the opportunity to watch us apologize (to our partner, our neighbors, our friends, our children) demonstrates to them how to make a good apology happen.  I think it’s also true that the more we say “I’m sorry” the easier it becomes.

 

Responding to Kids’ Tough Questions

Image by: AphasiaFilms

As my children grow older, I notice that I am increasingly at a loss for words. Questions like “How did that baby get in your belly?” and “Why don’t you have a nose ring?” have me stymied. I want to be honest with my kids, but age appropriate too. In addition, I want them to learn tolerance and that different people believe and like different things and that’s OK. Put all these desires together, and it can be hard to answer the tough questions – especially on a moment’s notice.

So, how to respond in these moments without sounding preachy or like a total moron?  Here are some of my favorite parental comebacks. I have memorized these statements, and find them quite useful when no other words seem to suffice:

Wow, you worked really hard on that. This statement can be used when responding to an art project, a report on vampires, or a homemade birthday card gone awry. We don’t always need to praise our children for their work (i.e., “That is the most beautiful spider/pumpkin/race car I have ever seen.”) but it is important to acknowledge their effort – even when the outcome is questionable.

Why do you ask? This is a great comeback to all manner of questions related to sex, drugs, drinking, and other tough subjects. For example: “Mom, did you ever use drugs when you were younger?” Instead of panicking, then launching into an explanation as to why you did or didn’t, and how that relates to your children – try “Why do you ask?” instead. Not only will it buy you some time, it will also get to the heart of the issue (i.e., someone offered your child drugs, they saw a movie about drugs at school, etc).

That’s something! I am told I say this a lot.  I think I say it when I want to say something negative or punishing, but know that might not be in my, or the recipient’s, best interest. Here’s a – totally random of course – example. Young child writes “I LOVE YOU MOM” on their dining room chair – in permanent marker.

Work it out.  I say this one a lot, too. To my own kids, to neighborhood kids, to school friends. I find that it is generally not helpful to interfere in kids’ arguments. Not only is it good for them to learn to work things out on their own, they also have shorter memories and fewer hurt feelings than grown ups. Something that a 6 year old gets over in 2 minutes, might take me 2 years.

Do you have any favorite comebacks to the kids in your life?

Number 1 Parenting Technique of All Time…

Photo by: Nina Turns 40

These last few days I have been thinking about parenting strategies.  It’s something I think a lot about in my own life, talk a lot about with my clients, and am asked a lot about by reporters.  I have written before about my thoughts on parenting books – namely they can be overwhelming and confusing if not used properly.  Not to say that parenting education and exposure to different techniques isn’t important – it certainly is!  Sometimes it’s just too much for my brain to comprehend and implement at home.  Maybe no other parents feel that way, but for the moment I am just going to assume that I am not alone.

So today I am going to add my (hopefully) simple, #1 strategy for raising healthy families:  be a genuine, honest, and present parent.  This is what I mean:

Apologize to your child when it’s appropriate. “Julie, I’m sorry I was short with you this morning. I didn’t sleep well and was kind of grumpy. It’s no reason to treat you poorly, though, so I apologize.”  Why is this important?  It teaches our kids to be humble and apologize themselves.

Pay attention when your kids are around.  None of us can be tuned into our kids at every moment.  We have to work, take care of our other kids, do the laundry, and feed the family too.  But when you are able, really focus on them.  Put the Blackberry down, turn off the TV, drive with the radio off – whatever you ha

Talk about your own emotions.  I am not a fan of being our kids’ best friends, and don’t recommend using your child as a support system or counselor.  However, it can be useful to be honest with your kids (in a developmentally appropriate way) about your own mental health.  Here’s an example of something I said recently to my 7 year old.  “You know what, I am feeling pretty overwhelmed by all of the things I am having to clean up around the house.  I have noticed that many of the items I pick up are yours.  Can you help me come up with a solution to these feelings I am having?”  Why is this important?  It’s crucial that we model communicating about our emotions to kids.  It’s also a good idea to show them that it’s OK to ask for help solving tough problems.  Wouldn’t it be great if the above conversation led my daughter to eventually say something like: “Mom, I’m feeling overwhelmed at school because all the kids are talking about drinking beer and I don’t want to.  Can you help me come up with a solution?”  That would be parenting gold.

So, for this week at least, that’s my #1 parenting technique.  It may be something different next week, but being a more genuine, honest, and present parent is probably something we can all work on.

Making Therapy Work for You

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Photo by DaveAustria

Gone are the days when the psychotherapy patient spent hours each week toiling on their therapist’s couch complaining about their mother.  In fact, many of today’s therapists don’t even have a couch in their office (full disclosure: I have two, but I call them “sofas”).  This is just one of the changes that has taken place in the world of mental health over the last few decades.  I was reminded of these (mostly positive) changes while reading this article in the Chicago Tribune.  One of my favorite colleagues, Dr. Nancy Molitor, made several good points in the article, including that today’s therapy relationship tends to be shorter and contain more back-and-forth dialogue between the therapist and the client.

I especially appreciated the last point in the article which noted that some therapy patients want lots of feedback, whereas others want very little.  This got me thinking about a crucial point: there may be a perfect therapist for everyone, but no one therapist can be perfect for each patient.  What I mean is, there are lots of good therapists out there, but different clients have different needs and it can take a bit of time, patience, and work to find the best one for you.  If things aren’t working with your current therapist, let them know – talk about the process and the relationship as Dr. Molitor suggested in the article.  If that doesn’t work, try someone else.

Need more tips on starting and maintaining a successful therapy relationship? Check out some of the articles below:

Making Your First Appointment with a Psychologist

What Kinds of Services a Psychologist Can Provide

What Your Psychologist Really Thinks About You

Is There a Good “Fit” Between You and Your Therapist?

Is It Time to Seek Therapy?

It’s a Vacation…Not Working from the Beach

It’s vacation season!  Beach trips, mountain excursions, National Park adventures.  What could be better than a trip with loved ones to an awesome place?  In my opinion, not much.

Vacations are an important part of family life.  They provide us with new experiences with our family, create memories to treasure, and sometimes even give us the opportunity to make new friends.  Vacations are also an important part of maintaining mental health.  They give us a break from the stresses of work, maintaining a household, and other everyday chores.  Vacations can also give us perspective on how other people live and how we might be placing too much importance on non-important things.  One of my favorite summer vacation rituals is setting goals for the year ahead.  Work goals, family goals, personal goals.  Vacations give me the time and space to be able to think about such things.

My pre-vacation goal for this summer is to let my vacation actually be a vacation.  Not an on-location working trip or a working holiday.  Off go the ipads, laptops, and smart phones.  On go the out-of-office vacation responses on email and voicemail.  Bring on the fun, relaxation, and memory-making…who’s with me?

Don’t Ask Don’t Tell and Psychological Health

Three days ago, President Obama certified a repeal of the “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” policy that banned homosexuals from openly serving in the US military.  While I had heard how this repeal might benefit the US Armed Forces as a whole, I wondered how it might help the men and women in uniform in particular.  I discovered that the American Psychological Association (APA) has supporting lifting the ban for quite some time.  In fact, APA has quite a history in supporting equal rights for homosexuals.  Read more about APA’s stance on homosexuality here.

I also asked a friend and colleague of mine, Dr. Sarah Burgamy to help me understand more about the psychological impact of the repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell.  Dr. Burgamy is president-elect of the Colorado Psychological Association, and founder of PhoenixRise, a mental health clinic specializing in Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender/gender variant identity issues.  Here’s what she had to say:

The repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell (DADT) is critical to the psychological health and well-being of both military members and the general population.  The repeal of DADT will lift a significant burden for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual (GLB) service members.  GLB people have always served in our armed forces; DADT placed an undue burden on them to hide a large part of their basic human identity.  Sexual orientation includes not only a person’s intimate behavior; but also emotional attraction, attachment, the ability to partner with another in a loving relationship recognized by others, one’s sense of self, and the ability to be seen as a full human being.  A significant portion of our lives is spent in relationship with others.  For GLB service members, DADT required them to deny the existence of critical relationships, prohibited their ability to obtain support openly when relationship stress was encountered, and forced them to provide a dishonest portrayal of their character through omission or denial.  The repeal of DADT provides GLB soldiers with a sense of equality for their sacrifice, hard work, and dedication to the safety and prosperity of the United States.  

Non-military families and individuals benefit from the repeal of DADT because any repeal of policies or laws which discriminate against GLB people should be regarded as a step towards a more inclusive society.  GLB people are bombarded with messages which convey a sense of rejection simply for being sexual minorities.  DADT, the Defense of Marriage Act, and marriage and civil union prohibitions in the majority of U.S. states send a collective message that GLB Americans are inferior members of our nation.  The repeal of DADT comprises one step in a long process of seeking equality.  Psychologically speaking, the costs of discrimination to emotional health and well-being are great and should be dismantled and avoided.  This repeal is an important and necessary step in  the recognition of GLB people as full members of American society.

Kids, Chores, and Avoiding Resistance

I was having a conversation with a friend of mine the other day about kids and chores.  How much is too much?  Too little?  Should they be given allowance?  Paid per chore?  Given no money at all?  It’s a complicated matrix, so I’m going to start simply: How to add a chore to your child’s routine.

First of all, it’s important to mention why chores are necessary.  Namely, they help kids learn how to do things around the house (duh), build a sense of responsibility, learn the work it takes to run a household, and help ease the parents’ workload so that they don’t feel like servants in their own home.  By 5 years old, kids are capable of doing many household tasks and are mature enough to grasp the concept of teamwork (as in, it takes the whole family working as a team to keep the household running).

So where to start when adding a new chore to your child’s routine?  Let’s take for example putting laundry away (see my post on Children & Clothing Battles for more on why it’s a good idea for kids to take responsibility for their clothes when they are young):

1. Give them some warning. No one likes to be surprised with new duties, and your kids are no exception.  A day or two before the new chore is to begin, let them know your expectations.  “Jamie, you’re old enough now to put your own clothes away after I fold them.  This week after I finish the laundry you will be responsible for putting your clean clothes away.”

2. Use on the job training. Putting laundry away can be a daunting task for a 5 year old.  When you are first adding the chore, consider doing it as a team, and/or help break up the job into small parts.  “Rosie, you put your socks in the sock drawer while I put your t-shirts on the shelf.”

3.  Play it cool. As in many other situations, your children will take their cues from you when it comes to their emotional reaction and their new chore.  If you are angry, too forceful, or overly authoritative in communicating the task to them, they will likely be angry and defensive in return.  If instead you are easy-going, matter of fact, and don’t dwell too long on the new job, you will likely find your kids more willing to comply.

4.  Don’t expect perfection. If you ask your child to put away their own clothes, they are not going to look perfect, so you might as well give up that expectation now.  What you can expect is for it to be in a timely manner, and with relative (according to age) accuracy.  With this in mind, resist the urge to correct their work or re-arrange their clothes (especially in front of them).

5.  Offer appreciation. Whether it’s in the form of a quarter, a dollar, or simply a thank you, don’t forget to let your child know how much you appreciate their pitching in.

6.  A family effort. If you encounter resistance, trying making the chore a family affair.  “Hunter, in 15 minutes we are all going to put our laundry away.  You, Jenny, Dad, and me are all going to work at the same time until we are finished.”

Good luck adding chores in your family!  Stayed tuned for my next post on negotiating an allowance!

Photo by: Don Nunn

 

Depressed Moms, Daycare, and Mom-Bashing.

Have you seen the buzz about the recent study finding that childcare might help protect the kids of depressed moms from later psychological and behavioral problems?  It’s all over the internet, including on blogs like CNN’s The Chart and the American Psychological Association’s Your Mind. Your Body. (disclaimer: that one was written by me).  If you want to read more about the study and its important findings please read the original article in the journal Pediatrics, or one of those blogs.  If you want to read about where one conversation about the study took me, then read on.

A girlfriend and I started out talking about the study, and ended up discussing why moms hate each other.  Oh sure, there are some moms who feel genuine love and support for one another, but there are many out there who really dislike one another, too.  And along with the dislike comes a host of other feelings, including: jealousy, contempt, and resentment.

How could a conversation about depressed moms lead to one about mom-bashing?  Because as soon as I see the word “childcare” – I know there will be a fight coming soon.

Childcare is great!

Childcare is awful!

Childcare is dangerous!

Childcare saved my children!

The comments are endless.  Why do we presume to know how how other moms should raise their children – and worse – actually say it out loud?  If we really cared for the other moms around us, wouldn’t we support them in their decisions, rally around them when they struggled, and hold our tongues when others started to gossip?  I contend that truly supporting moms around us would be another great way to assist the kids of depressed and happy moms alike.

So what can we do to turn this culture of mom-bashing around?  How can we be more supportive of one another?  Stop talking about each other. Quit gossiping, putting down, second guessing, and under-cutting the moms around you.  If you hear others do it, walk away.  If you read a blog post with nasty comments, close the page.  Whatever you have to do to stay positive and supportive of the other moms out there – and yourself in return – it’s worth it.

Want to read more thoughts on how to assist all kinds of moms and caregivers?  Check out my post on Your Mind. Your Body.