Tag: erie counselor

How To Stop Being So Hard On Yourself

San Fran 2009 114

One of the things many of us often take for granted is how changeable our thought patterns are. It’s easy for our thoughts to get stuck in ruts, and often those ruts are negative. “I’m so fat,” “Everyone else is smarter than me,” “I’m a crummy parent.” These sorts of thoughts can begin to feel automatic. But they don’t have to be.

Just as we move and challenge our arms and legs when we try to get into good physical shape, we can also move and change our thoughts to improve our mental health. Choosing one thought to change at a time is a good place to start. Say, for example you want to change the thought “I’m not as good as the people around me.” Try the following steps:

  1. Create an alternate thought to replace the old one. Something like: “My life is just as important as everyone else’s.”
  2. Each time the old, negative thought pops up, say (either out loud or to yourself) the new, more positive thought. This may be a bit time-consuming at first. You may find that you have to repeat the old thought over and over again. But don’t give up, with time, the new thought will become more automatic.
  3. As you notice the old, negative thought decreasing in frequency over a period of time, pick a new thought to tackle. Repeat.

This article originally appeared on March 17, 2015 on Personal Development Genesis as part of series on how to silence your inner critic.

 

 

College and Alcohol Don’t Have to Go Together

Have you ever seen a movie about life on a college campus?

Are there any that don’t portray those years as one long, alcohol-filled party?

Sure, movies don’t necessarily reflect reality.  But the truth remains that there is a lot of alcohol consumed on college campuses.  According to the National Institutes of Health, 4 out of 5 college students drink alcohol and about half admit to binge-drinking.  The statistics don’t stop there.  Check these out:

 

  • Death: 1,825 college students between the ages of 18 and 24 die each year from alcohol-related unintentional injuries.

  • Assault: More than 690,000 students between the ages of 18 and 24 are assaulted by another student who has been drinking.

  • Sexual Abuse: More than 97,000 students between the ages of 18 and 24 are victims of alcohol-related sexual assault or date rape.

  • Academic Problems: About 25 percent of college students report academic consequences of their drinking including missing class, falling behind, doing poorly on exams or papers, and receiving lower grades overall.

Clearly alcohol consumption on college campuses is a big deal.  But, universities are doing something about it.  The University of Colorado (my alma mater!) recently announced a sober living option for students in recovery who wish to live with other students abstaining from alcohol and drugs.  Check it out:

University of Colorado Collegiate Recovery Center

University of Colorado Collegiate Recovery Center

When I did a quick search for other universities and colleges in my area, I found that almost all offered some sort of substance abuse treatment program; typically through their counseling center.  If you or someone you know is a college student and struggling with substance use – it’s important to know there are options – and those options appear to be growing.

For more information about how much alcohol is too much, read more.

National Institutes of Health

 

 

Standardized Testing and Stressed-Out Kids

Screen Shot 2015-03-10 at 11.03.44 AM

Are standardized tests in the news in your community?  It seems to be what everyone is talking about around here.  Federal and state-mandated standardized tests are given to almost all students in grades K-12 in March, as far as I can understand.  I am not an expert in primary education, standardized testing or curriculum development so I can’t speak about the tests from that angle.  But, I am an expert in anxiety and parenting and have a few thoughts about how testing affects those sorts of things.

Here goes.

I have watched standardized testing season come and go (as a psychologist and mom) for a decade now.  And here’s the thing: they cause A LOT of anxiety, worry and nervous feelings all the way around.  In parents, in students, in teachers in administrators – probably bus drivers and custodians too – everyone’s feeling the tension.  It’s almost impossible to escape.

I am going to stop myself from writing about how unnecessary I think standardized tests are (especially in the quantity in which they are given).  And I’ll keep my mouth shut about how ridiculous I think it is that my 2 grade-schoolers have a combined TWENTY THREE test days in the next month.   And I’ll stop short of encouraging parents to consider opting-out of testing if they feel it’s not in the best interest of their children.

Instead I will focus on how to help your kiddos make it through testing season with their good mental health intact.

  • Keep your routine normal.  Kids thrive on routine.  Chances are their school days will look a little different during testing season (different class schedules, dismissal times, etc) so it becomes even more important that routines remain the same at home.  Try to keep normal bedtimes, mealtimes and activities going on as usual.
  • Resist the urge to talk about testing.  Your kids – whether in 1st or 11th grade – have likely been hearing about their standardized tests for weeks as teachers prepare them for what to expect.  When they get home they might need a break from all the hype.  A simple: “How did the test go today?” is likely all you need to ask about it.  Grilling our kids, ranting about the philosophical flaws of their school system or putting extra pressure on them to perform academically is rarely helpful.  Keep it light and give them a break.
  • Teach stress management skills.  Life is full of stressors.  Mastering a couple stress management strategies in childhood can be a wonderful thing.  If your child is a little stressed on test days, consider using the opportunity to teach him some basic stress management strategies: Take deep breaths; Visual a soothing, restful place; Go on a bike ride or walk.

The vast majority of kids (and parents!) make it through testing season just fine and chances are you (and I!) will, too.  If you are concerned that your child’s worry seems more intense than normal, or it doesn’t resolve after the tests are over, you might consider meeting with a psychologist.  Read more about whether therapy is needed here.

Inspirational Quotes: Not Cures for Depression

I was recently interviewed for a story over at Psych Central about depression in relationships.  Namely, how to tell if your partner is depressed and what you can do about it.  Check it out here:

Screen Shot 2015-03-02 at 9.08.20 PM

My favorite quote:

Depression is a highly treatable disorder but it can’t be resolved with an inspirational quote or poster

This is one of my biggest pet peeves, and is sadly encouraged by Pinterest, blogs (not this one of course :), and other feel-good publications.  I don’t mean to say feeling good isn’t a good thing, it’s just that poems about gratitude and pictures of kittens don’t do much to treat mental illness.  Sorry.  It’s the truth.

Cute? Yes. Empirically-validated treatment for depression? No.

Cute? Yes.
Empirically-validated treatment for depression? No.

 

Snow and Mental Health

I guess not everyone dislikes winter!

I guess not everyone dislikes winter!

This has been a tough winter for much of the country.  Feet upon feet of snow and bitter cold temperatures, it’s enough to make even the hardiest of souls crave pool weather.  And if you live in a part of the country where (like Northern Colorado) spring is still at least a couple of months away, you might notice the weather taking a toll on your mood.

Many of us have heard of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), a psychiatric disorder that is characterized by low mood, problems sleeping, changes in attention and irritability during the winter months.  SAD is a real, serious mental health diagnosis that can be successfully treated using a variety of strategies.  These include psychotherapy, light therapy, and psychiatric medication.

But what about those of us who don’t meet the criteria for SAD but,

JUST FREAKING HATE WINTER

What are we to do?  How do we keep our moods up and irritability down?

What do you do to make these winter months bearable?

 

When Anxiety is a Good Thing

San Fran 2009 043

I have written a lot about the danger of experiencing too much anxiety, or dealing with it too much of the time.  But is it really all bad?  In the ideal world would we be feeling cool-as-a-cucumber every day?

No.

Anxiety, nervousness and worry have lots of good uses.  They are the reasons we:

  • Wear seatbelts
  • Take vitamins
  • Study for spelling tests
  • Buy vacation insurance
  • Debate fracking on Facebook (wait, is that a good thing?)

Here’s another one:

  • Improve our self esteem and confidence

Here’s how it works:  We think about doing something new/hard and get nervous about it.  Let’s use running a marathon as an example.  When you first think of running a marathon you might say to yourself:

That’s crazy! I’m not athletic at all! I could never do that!

Then, for some reason (peer pressure, a mid-life crisis, whatever) you decide to sign up for your very first marathon.  During the training period you work hard and get stronger, but your nerves and anxiety start acting up.  You might say to yourself:

I am crazy for agreeing to this! What was I thinking? I am going to die out there!

But you keep training and the morning of the marathon arrives.  You’re prepared, fit and ready, but you still might say to yourself:

I feel like I am going to throw up, I’m so nervous! I have never felt this anxious before! I hate this! I’m never doing this again!

Then you start running, and you keep going and eventually you finish the race.  A few days later, after the sore muscles have passed and you have caught up on your sleep, you might say to yourself:

That was amazing! I can’t believe I ran that far and lived! I am so much stronger than I thought! I can’t wait to do that again!

And there you have it: Anxiety—->Preparation—->Living through it—->Increased confidence

Pretty cool, huh? So the next time someone asks you to do something that makes you scared, stretches your abilities or requires you to do something you think you can’t; think twice before turning them down.  The anxiety you feel might just turn into an awesome experience.

 

Fifty Shades: As Bad As We Think?

Screen Shot 2015-02-23 at 1.55.08 PM

I recently posted about my experience seeing Fifty Shades of Grey in the theaters.  In short: Not so great for men or women.  But is the book a different story?

In case you missed all the hype a couple years ago, the Fifty Shades of Grey saga started as a series of books by E.L. James.  Its super-racy content was the stuff of which guilty pleasures are made.  Some people loved its star characters – Ana and Christian – and others slammed the book for shoddy writing.  Still others wondered if writing quality really matters if people are actually spending their time reading!

I recently came across this fun graphic which measures Fifty Shades’ grammar with other, popular love stories.  Check it out:

Grammarly: Fifty Shades of Grammar

I have to admit that I am squirming in my seat as I write this, wondering how many grammatical errors I’m making.  Eeek.

Mistake-ridden or not, both writing and reading can be wonderful stress management strategies and avenues to mental health.  Happy reading!

Thanks to Grammarly Grammar Check for this cool infographic

A Guy’s Perspective on Fifty Shades of Grey

1 Comment

OK, yes, I saw the movie. And read the book. All of them.  And yes, the 50 Shades of Grey series is:

  • a guilty pleasure
  • potentially harmful to women’s self esteem, sense of power, and psycho-sexual health
  • not fine literature or cinema
  • not a great representation of the BDSM lifestyle

But that’s not what I am going to write about today.  Instead, I am going to summarize the conversation I had after seeing the film.  I was so glad I went with a man because he gave me a completely different perspective on the story line.

The first part of the conversation centered around the fact that the Fifty Shades story has been told (and will continue to be told) a zillion times.  Pure, sweet, young girl meets wordly, wealthy, and super-hot guy.  He woos her, they fall in love, have a couple problems, then live happily ever after in a big house with a bunch of kids.  Interestingly , my male companion had no idea that pretty much all romance novels have this same story line (think: Twilight, Nora Roberts, etc).  “I guess this is a fantasy for most women” I said.  “What is the male version of this fantasy?” I asked.  After some thoughtful consideration he guessed, “big boobs?” Hmmm.

After that insightful comment about the male psyche, he offered a few of his own observations about the Fifty Shades movie:

  • How, at 27 years old, has Christian Grey had enough time to create a multi-billion dollar company?
  • How does he have time for all these sexual shenanigans and stay at the helm of his empire?
  • How would he have time to work all day, have dinner with a friend until at least 9pm, fly from Seattle to Georgia, make reservations to take a glider tour, rent a car just like his ride at home, and arrive fresh as a daisy to romance Ana early the next day?
  • Why is Ana still using a flip phone?

All kidding aside, these observations really made me think about women’s expectations of the men in our lives.  Just as it isn’t so healthy to expect all women to have big boobs, no wrinkles, and long blond hair – it also isn’t so great to expect men to be wealthy, endlessly romantic, and apparently have no need for sleep.  Perhaps we need to be a little more fair when considering stereotypes of sexiness.  And just as women can be damaged by unhealthy, unattainable expectations – so can men.

How To Win A Man’s Heart

Screen Shot 2015-02-09 at 1.17.56 PM

I was recently interviewed by the site How To Win A Man’s Heart.  It was a pretty extensive interview, here’s a glimpse:

HTWAMH: A number of our women subscribers find difficulty in attracting the right man especially women in their 40s and above. The common complaint we hear from women is that men in their age group seem to be more interested in younger women and the men that seem to be interested in them aren’t interesting to these women. What advice do you have for women who are frustrated with their dating experience and have become skeptical of finding Mr. Right?

Dr.S: I can understand women becoming frustrated and even angry and sad when it feels like their dating life isn’t what they wish it were – particularly if they feel as if they are competing against younger women for an increasingly smaller pool of interesting and eligible men. What might be important to keep in mind, however, is what older women lack in some areas, they more than make up for in maturity, life experience, professional and personal accomplishment – among many other things. Focusing on all the things you bring to the dating table – and maybe even improve them – can be one strategy for managing the frustrations of not finding Mr. Right.

To read more, check out the entire interview here. Happy Valentine’s Day!

Why Should I Care About Diversity in Media?

Screen Shot 2015-02-11 at 12.17.33 PM

Does it matter what you watch on TV?

Does it matter if your kids have role models in media?

Does watching movies with diverse casts, with diverse groups of directors, with diverse messages make a difference?

Yes, yes and yes.

Even for those of us who aren’t huge movie buffs, or TV fanatics – we are all influenced by media in one way or another.  Maybe it’s traditional print media, billboards, YouTube, Netflix – whatever – it’s hard to escape media’s influence.  And I don’t think that’s a bad thing.  What IS bad is when the media you are consuming isn’t reflective of who you really are.  Instead it’s full of stereotypes or unhealthy (physically and psychologically) portrayals of people you identify with.  Here are a few examples:

  • TV and print commercials focusing solely on female’s looks (or cleaning abilities) as a way to identify them
  • TV sitcoms portraying a large proportion of men as lazy, selfish, and intellectually inferior to their wives
  • Movies including women in only supporting roles to more powerful men
  • TV, movies and print media encouraging cultural/racial/ethnic stereotypes by type-casting actors

The list could go on and on.

Why should you care?  Because media matters.  And when we see stereotypes reinforced over and over again, they become more ingrained in all of our brains  – even if we don’t want them to! And in our increasingly diverse world, it’s important for us to get past stereotypes and see each other (and ourselves) for the unique individuals we are.  Nobody’s mental health is improved by narrowly defining ourselves and others.  Understanding and accepting diversity (again, in ourselves and others) is a key piece of overall psychological health.

So, now what?

I am excited to announce that I have joined with Public Radio International (PRI) and SheKnows Media in their partnership to shed light on global news stories highlighting women.  Follow along and be a part of the news coverage that will change the lives of women.  You can also follow the stories #womenslives

Want to know more about diversity, psychology and why any of it matters?  Check out this FANTASTIC video made by psychologist Dr. Ali Mattu: